Monique: As you know, Doctor, when you make the vertical incision from the thorax all the way down to the groin, you have to be careful not to hit an artery. I mean, otherwise, you get excessive spurting. But it really reminds you of why you became a doctor when you crack open that rib cage, slip your hands in all the way up to your elbows, and pull out that bloody, pulsating heart. Would you care for some salsa? [Will faints]
[later:]
Will: Well, I guess I was a little more tired than I thought. Next time I donate an organ I'm just gonna let someone else perform the surgery.
Monique: Yeah, right. I'll see you later, Doogie.
Will: Hold up, baby.

Hilary: Hi, Danielle. Alec, it's nice to meet your sister.
Alec: Danielle's not my sister.
Hilary: Cousin?
Alec: We're not related.
Hilary: Are you teaching her to read?
Alec: We're dating.
Hilary: I see. I guess you're not the man I thought you were. And to think I actually touched a urine sample just to impress you. And I lied. I really did think Eldridge Cleaver was a big chopping knife. So there. Hilary S. Banks has just jumped through her last hoop. [to Danielle] Really nice purse.

Hilary: I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Will: Oh, come on, Hilary, now that's not true. Now, what about the time that you showed up at Spago with the back of your dress tucked down inside your pantyhose? [Hilary sobs] Okay, that was a bad example. But look, all I'm saying is I mean, you've survived worse.