Will: Okay, please. Hil, I gotta be honest, I kind of agree with her. I mean, come on, man, the dude's a brother and he ain't supposed to be like, "I'm looking for a Julius Caesar salad." I mean, come on, man, you know, he got to be down here, you know. "Hey, look, baby, you need the cops, we don't need to go down the station. All I got to do is walk out your front door carrying your TV, you know. You know what I'm saying?"

Vivian: Troy and I are working late on our book tonight.
Philip: Troy?
Vivian: Mm-hm.
Philip: Professor T. Johnson is a Troy?
Vivian: What did you think the T stood for?
Philip: I was hoping Thelma.

Will: Uncle Phil, I'm telling you, my money troubles are over. I need you to check out my contract. Man, I ain't seen so many zeros since Carlton's square dance recital.
Carlton: Hardy har... hello. What a sense of humor. And you don't think this guy has talent. You know, you're going to the top, Will. But you're overlooking one small thing.
Will: What? You mean beside that little chocolate Tic Tac you call your head?
Carlton: Ha, ha. Killing me. He's killing me. Ha, ha. But, seriously, Will, you know, you're going to need management. Someone to look out for you. Someone to-
Will: Take 10 percent.
Carlton: Why, I'd love to.

Ashley: Wanna see Will's show? We have it on tape.
Philip: No, soap operas don't interest me.
Hilary: Oh, this one's hot, Daddy. See, Joan was having an affair with Carlos right behind her husband's back. Well, not that they were in the same room or anything. But Joan lied and told her husband she'd been working late at the office writing her memoirs.
Geoffrey: That reminds me, sir. Mrs. Banks called to say she'll be working late again with Professor Johnson at her office writing her book. [Philip downs his drink]

Will: Hey! What you doing? That wasn't in my script.
Lisa: Well, that kiss wasn't in mine.
Will: Oh, well, come on, baby. That was a ad-lib. All us good actors do it. That ain't personal. I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav, gold teeth and all.
Lisa: Will, the only person I want you kissing on is me.
Will: Whoa, hey, hey, hey, now, come on, baby, be fair. The only reason I even took this job was to put that ring on your finger and to make you happy. So if I have to crawl into bed with 10 beautiful woman that's just a sacrifice I'm gonna have to make.

Philip: I don't believe it. Vivian's working late with the professor again. Do you realize she has missed dinner every night this week?
Geoffrey: And yet, inexplicably, we've had no leftovers.
Philip: Geoffrey, can I ask you a question? If you were a woman would you find me attractive?
Geoffrey: Nope.
Philip: Well, now, I know this is gonna sound absurd but I think Vivian and the professor are having... Uh... Uh... Uh...
Geoffrey: Oh, sir, surely not. The two of them have absolutely nothing in common. Why, he's 15 years her junior. Whatever would they do together?

Will: Hey, baby, you know, I've been thinking. You know, I'm gonna quit. I know how uncomfortable the love scenes make you.
Lisa: Oh, they don't make me uncomfortable.
Will: Oh, sure they do. [mumbling]
Lisa: Will, that was before you explained it to me. I believe you said, and I quote: "I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav."
Geoffrey: But, of course, that was when Flavor Flav was a woman.
Will: Hey, hey, hey. Look here, man. That ain't got nothing to do with it. And besides, ain't you got something to do?
Geoffrey: No, sadly, this is the high point of my day. That and coming up with names for my Chia Pet. What do you think of Larry? La-la-la Larry. Larry.

Will: Carlton, please get me off the show.
Carlton: Are you insane? If you quit, you don't get paid. But what's most important is, I don't get paid. Look, the only way you can leave and still get the money is if they fire you.
Will: Carlton, sometimes, man, I just wanna hug you.
Carlton: Oh...
Will: But this ain't one of them times.

Geoffrey: Sir, this is a letter to Mrs. Banks from him. Oh, just go for it, sir. I'll swear it came that way.
Philip: "Dear Vivian"-
Geoffrey: Good Lord.
Philip: Oh, I can't believe it either. He called her "dear."
Vivian: Philip, are you reading my mail?
Philip: Hm?
Geoffrey: It didn't come this way.

Vivian: So now you know. Philip, I didn't want you to find out this way.
Philip: What were you gonna do? Throw me a surprise party?
Vivian: No, but I wanted to be with you when you read it.
Philip: "To the most important person in my life my beloved husband, Philip, whose support and patience have made this book possible. I love you always, Vivian." You dedicated your book to me.
Vivian: Of course, sweetheart. Who else was I going to dedicate it to? Professor Johnson? That noodle-neck kid stomps on my last nerve.
Philip: I love you.
Vivian: Aw.