Will: Hey, Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert must be over, huh?
Professor Mansfield: You think I could get by?
Will: Well, not with those looks.
Professor Mansfield: I see you're hung up on superficial facades.
Will: Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't speak geek.

Will: So, what I'm trying to do here, Mr. Hosek, is just drop this one class.
Mr. Hosek: Okay, according to your schedule, I would say it's Western Philosophy.
Will: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Mr. Hosek: It's the only course you're taking that actually requires staying awake.
Will: Wait a minute, I have a really good reason for wanting to drop that class.
Mr. Hosek: Yeah, and I'm sure my wife has a really good reason for cheating on me.
Will: Look, man, I got problems of my own.
Mr. Hosek: You think you got problems? My wife has seen more action than Chuck Norris. I got an office that used to be the janitor's washroom. Look, here! I got a toilet in my closet! And every day I just see my career going down it! Now, since registration is over, officially over, the only way to get out of a class is to get the instructor's written permission. Here.
Will: But I have to get Professor Mansfield's signature? He's not gonna sign this. There has to be another way.
Mr. Hosek: Well, actually, there... There is.
Will: Well, come on, man, tell me, tell me.
Mr. Hosek: Make it one of your demands when you climb the bell tower with a rifle. [laughs]
Will: Nurse, I'm ready to leave now.

Carlton: Hi, Dad, how was court today?
Philip: It was great. I got to send El Diablo up the river.
Carlton: El Diablo, the graffiti guy?
Philip: He was the worst tagger the city's ever known. It'll be a while before they see his name around here again.
[As Philip turns around, we can see El Diablo is spray-painted on the back of his jacket]

Vivian: Honey, how about a rain check?
Philip: Rain check? Vivian, I am not a car wash. I have needs.
Vivian: So does Hilary. Honey, I'm sorry, I will stay down here with you.
Philip: Vivian!
Geoffrey: I'm ready for my wax job.

Professor Mansfield: Ah, Mr. Smith. Such a quiet entrance. Where's your... your vim... your verve... your pedestrian wit?
Will: Why don't we stop wasting each other's time. Just give me an F and I'll be on my way.
Professor Mansfield: Will that make you happy?
Will: Well, what would make me happy is never having been here in the first place.
Professor Mansfield: Just get me a drop slip. I'll make your wish a reality.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean all I have to do to get out of this class is ask?
Professor Mansfield: Yeah, I don't want anybody in here who doesn't wanna be here.
Will: Man, you gonna start a stampede. You know, I take back everything I said about you. Oh, um, and give me a couple of hours before you start your car. Psych. Or should I say "philosp."

Philip: Man, this brings back memories. I bet you was in the top of your class at Princeton, huh? Actually, far from it. I was spinning my wheels until I met Matthew Langford.
Will: Oh, who's that, one of your professors?
Philip: Oh, not "one." The professor. Man changed my life. Turned a skinny kid from South Carolina into the man you see today. And you know how? He challenged me.
Will: To what? A pie-eating contest?
Philip: No, to having a fool as a nephew. I have this theory. I believe that everyone in college has one special teacher that... That gives him an insight, a glimpse into who they really are. You be on the lookout, Will.
Will: I think I found that dude already, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Already? [chuckles] I was in my third year before I found Professor Langford.

Professor Mansfield: Today's topic of conversation is this glass. Is it A, half-empty, or B, half-full?
Will: Hey, Professor Mansfield, it's an emergency, you got to come out here.
Professor Mansfield: What's the matter, Will? Can't move those oranges at the off-ramp?
Will: Come on, Professor Mansfield, I'm serious. You got to come out here.
Professor Mansfield: All right. Hey, listen, just wax philosophically for a few moments by yourselves. All right, Will, what is it? What did you want me to see?
Will: Here it is, the new me.
Professor Mansfield: What happened to yesterday's you?
Will: Well, yesterday's reality isn't necessarily today's.
Professor Mansfield: Oh, you're mastering the lingo. I'm impressed.
Will: That's good, because I wanna get back in your class.
Professor Mansfield: I'm sorry, Will some other student already took your spot.

Will: Hey, come on, Professor Mansfield, please. You gotta do me this favor, please.
Professor Mansfield: You come to me, my son, asking for a favor. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. I'm gonna let you back in this class.
Will: Thanks a lot, Godfather.
Professor Mansfield: Eh. Unfortunately, the class registrar is closed, so you won't receive any credit.
Will: Wait, wait, whoa. Hold on. Freshmen have to carry 12 credits. I mean, I'd have to pick up another class, plus do all the work in this one.
Professor Mansfield: You gotta love the irony, though, huh?
Will: You got a deal.
Professor Mansfield: Good, take a seat.

Professor Mansfield: Reality is, reality changes constantly. Yesterday's reality may not necessarily be today's. Everybody got a pencil? Okay, good. Hold it up. Little higher. Little lower. Perfect, right there. Now break it in half. What a sound. From now on, we're going to be using our minds.
Will: Hey, hey, give me a pencil. Give me a pencil.
Professor Mansfield: This course isn't about taking notes. This course is about creative thinking. All right, look, conservatives, right? Liberals, rappers, skinheads, nudists and televangelists, they all have something in common. You know what it is?
Will: Ooh, they all been on Montel Williams.
Professor Mansfield: See, I can't hear you because you no longer exist.
Will: Oh, but you could shove me, though, right?
Professor Mansfield: What they have in common is they all have a distinct version of the truth. But do we really care what the truth is? No, not really. We want to know, "How come nobody loves me?" "Where's my next paycheck coming from?" "How come I never get any breaks in life?" Okay, let's get on our feet. We need a couple of volunteers to start with. Let's get some people who have a personal philosophy that is rooted in, oh, I don't know, sex. [all hands go up] Okay, that's what I thought. Nothing kinky, we just need two. Denise, right? Denise and... [closes the door on Will] Evan. Good. All right, right up there. Now, don't be nervous. You're gonna engage in a little dialectic. Dialectic is a ten-dollar word, and it means "debate." [closes the blinds on Will]
Janitor: [to Will] Man! I should have never dropped out of his class.