Will: Uncle Phil, I don't think "comedian" is a bad word.
Philip: It is in this house. I just spent thousands of dollars sending you to a topnotch prep school. Maybe I should have just sent you to Camp Funnypants.
Will: Look, I bet Sinbad's parents supported him when he wanted to be a comedian.
Philip: They named him Sinbad! He had two options: Pirate or comic.

Will: Well, I guess I'm up next, guys.
Carlton: Will, I took the liberty of writing out a few humorous barbs that you might find useful. Listen and laugh. Did you hear what the snail said when he rode on the back of the turtle?
Will: No, Carlton, what?
Carlton: Whee! Now, you should use that one for your big finish. No, maybe you should try this one. Why did the turkey cross the road?
Hilary: I know I'm going to regret this, but why?
Carlton: Chicken's day off. [laughs] Eat your heart out, Rodney Dangerfield. Hey, I'm giving you gold here.
Will: See, Carlton, this is why people trip you in the halls.

Keith: Man, I don't care about this game. I'm going up to my room, get ready for my big act tomorrow.
Will: All you got to do is stand up there and tell a couple jokes.
Keith: Telling jokes? See, that's what your drunk Uncle Lou do at weddings. Me, I'm a professional.
Will: Whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up. First of all, Uncle Lou is not a drunk, okay? He has an inner ear problem. That's why he always be sliding out of his chair. And, second of all, anybody can get up on a stage and tell a couple jokes.
Keith: Why you go and say something silly like that? There's a craft to this, man. I take this real seriously.
Will: Oh, please. Look, I been funny all my life.
Keith: All your life you just been funny-Iooking. I mean, look at them big old ears. Lean over that way and tell me what's going on in Somalia.
Will: Well, if I couldn't find my way to Somalia, I could follow that big map on your head.
Keith: Look at them big teeth, all big and spaced out. What you floss with, a jump rope?

M.C.: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our next comedian from Philadelphia, PA give it up for Will Smith.
Will: What's up? What's up? Hey, how y'all doing out there? Hey, um, I'm a little tired, though, you know. I had a rough date last night. I went out with this girl who ain't have no arms. I took her to The Arsenio Hall Show and she was like... Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. Well, that's cool, check it out, check it out, check it out. I should be mad at my cousin Carlton, though 'cause he set me up with her. But he ain't no prize hisself. He kind of look like a miniature Bryant Gumbel on a bad hair day. That's cool, check it out. Um, but actually, my cousin Carlton, he don't have no problem buying clothes 'cause he's so short he just rips them off his G.I. Joe doll and wears 'em right out of the box. [crickets]
Hilary: Will's really bombing up there. We should do something.
Carlton: Good idea. Boo! Get off the stage! We want our money back! Go back where you came from! [audience boos]
Will: What's up? What's up?
Keith: Give me that before you hurt yourself. Give Will Smith a big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, y'all can do better than that. Give him a big round of applause. He'll be back, just not in here.

Philip: Now, you listen, and you listen good. We are a family. I know this because I pay the bills. So, we are going to start spending time together. Lots of time.
Carlton: Lucky us.
Philip: We are going to start acting more like a family. Do I make myself clear?
Carlton: Jawohl, mein Fuehrer!
Philip: From now on, we're going to start eating together and laughing together and... And... I'll think of a few more things as soon as I finish watching those Cosby reruns.

Will: Whoa, Uncle Phil I ain't had an opportunity to enlighten you on what's going on here, but look, Uncle Phil, please, if you let Keith stay here I promise I'll stop making them 976 calls on your car phone. Okay, if you let him stay I'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese and I'll tell the head rat it's your birthday. I'll go to an out-of-state college.
Philip: Keith, my boy, welcome.

Will: G, check it out. Can we talk to you for a second?
Geoffrey: I'm off duty. You can talk, but I don't have to listen.
Will: All right, check it out. Is this funny or not? Two gorillas go into a bar, right?
Geoffrey: Not.

Will: Look, Uncle Phil, I know it's a shock but think of all the money you'll save by not sending me to college.
Philip: There is no future in it, Will.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, can I help it that I'm this incredibly handsome incredibly talented guy with star quality? Uncle Phil, this thing is bigger than both of us. Sort of.

Philip: I just want you to go to college, that's all.
Will: Uncle Phil, and I will if this doesn't work. But come on, you got to let me take my shots in life.
Philip: You really want this badly, huh, son?
Will: Yes, I do.
Philip: And you actually think you can make a success of it?
Will: Yes, sir, I do.
Philip: Well, son, I guess there's only one thing for me to do. [grabs Will by the ear] I'm going to nail your behind to the floor. And if I catch you anywhere near a comedy club, I'm going to break every funny bone in your body. Do I make myself perfectly clear?
Will: Perfectly.

Hilary: Good morning, Daddy.
Philip: Oh, Morning, sweetheart. Look, I was thinking, you know, this week, maybe we could get in a game of tennis at the club and maybe do lunch?
Hilary: You and me?
Philip: Yeah.
Hilary: Good one, Daddy.