Philip: Hi, kids.
Carlton: Uh-oh, needy father alert.
Philip: Hold it. Now, what is that supposed to mean?
Ashley: Come on, Dad, every time Mom goes away you start wanting to do things with us. It's not fair.
Philip: So, what are you kids saying?
Carlton: What we're saying is, here's $10. Go to the movies. Run!

Hilary: Dad? Hello?
Ashley: I think we lost him.
Carlton: Dad's pretty quick for a big guy. I mean, he kept up with the car for a whole block.
Hilary: He couldn't help it. He got his coat stuck in the door.

Philip: All right, who pushed me?
Carlton: It was Ashley.
Ashley: No, it wasn't.
Philip: Well, now, you look. Now, all I want to do is spend some quality time with my family and running alongside a car is not what I had in mind.
Will: Uncle Phil.
Philip: What?
Will: Well, see, I was wondering, since I'm not part of the immediate family, I was wondering if I was immune-
Philip: Sit down, Will.
Will: I'm gonna sit down right here in the non-immediate family section of the living room. And I'm gonna shut up on my way down.

Will: Check it out, man. I got the new hip joint for you to see.
Keith: Damn, man, what is this?
Will: It's the interactive network TV.
Keith: Sound like what Black people buy when they got too much time on their hands.

Will: Who's the man? Who's the man?
Keith: Man, come on, the game ain't even over yet.
Will: Please, you never could take it when I bust your butt at something.
Keith: 'Cause you never beat me.
Will: You must be getting old, baby, your mind going.
Keith: Let me refresh your memory. From the time we was in kindergarten, every thing we did I always beat you like you stole something.

Will: Hey, girl you look so good, I'd marry your brother just to get in your family.

Keith: Hey, girl! Why don't you stand up and wrap your arms around a real man? [she scoffs] Okay, well, check it out, check it out, check it out. I got four words for you. Ho-li-day Inn. Come on, girl, you know you want to.
Will: Excuse me, miss, is this abrasive Negro bothering you?
Shawna: Yes, as a matter of fact, he is.
Will: Allow me. [grabs Keith] Now, you look here, buddy. You have no business bothering this sweet young lady. Now you apologize and don't make me take off my belt.
Keith: Okay, not the belt, man. Not the belt, man. I'll be cool. All right, look, I'm sorry, okay?
Will: Now, you get out of her face, now! Look, miss, I'd just like to apologize on behalf of my gender for his rude behavior.
Shawna: That's okay.
Will: No, it's not. He had no reason to act like that. I'm sorry.
Shawna: It's okay.
Will: Look, could I call you sometime?
Shawna: Yeah. [hands Will his card] Call me.

Casting Director: You.
Will: Me?
Casting Director: You a comic? I don't know you.
Will: Yeah, I'm known all over this town. I'm Shecky. Shecky Shabazz.
Casting Director: You're funny, Shecky.
Will: Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not here for the audition.
Casting Director: You don't have to. What I saw was good enough. You're in the showcase. You're on at 8:15.
Will: Yabba dabba do, I'm in the showcase, too!

Carlton: Here you go, big guy.
Philip: Thank you, son. [smokes pipe] Ah. Hilary, sweetheart, how was work today, darling?
Hilary: It was great, Dad. Thanks for asking.
Philip: Oh, it's wonderful spending time with one's family.
Hilary: Daddy.
Philip: Yes, dearest?
Hilary: I'm feeling nauseous.
Philip: I am, too. Let's take a break, kids. Look, I think we can forget about those Chinese checkers after the sing-along.
Hilary: Great.
Carlton: But the sing-along's still on, right? Ow! You're hurting my arms!

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, you know how you've been staying on me to make some decisions in my life? Yeah. Well, hanging with Keith, I've decided what I want to do.
Philip: Oh, great. What is it?
Will: Well, I want to do something that makes a difference and makes people feel good.
Philip: Well, that's wonderful.
Will: I want to be a comedian.