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Ain't No Business Like Show Business

‘Ain't No Business Like Show Business’

Season 3, Episode 22 -  Aired April 12, 1993

When Will's comedian friend, Keith (D.L. Hughley), comes to visit, Will gives stand-up a try.

Quote from Will

Keith: You don't get this, huh? I worked my butt off to get here, man. You know how many clubs I got booed out of? How many dives I had to play till I got a routine that finally worked for me? This ain't nothing but a joke to you. To me this is serious.
Will: So, what, you asking me to back out?
Keith: No, I'm asking you to just show me some respect.
Will: Respect? I walk through the door and before my butt hit the chair the lady was giving me a job. You could learn something from me.
Keith: Really? Well, I'll be off-stage taking notes tomorrow night, okay?
Will: Well, you better bring a big pad.

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Quote from Will

Will: Carlton, I'm going to be hilarious. And when I get done with Keith the only job opportunity he's going to have is putting lids on Slurpees.

Quote from Will

Man: I hope you're funnier than the last guy.
Keith: I know I ain't getting heckled by no Jheri curl. And you got the nerve to be smoking, too? What you trying to do, kill us all? You know, I ain't going to bother no Jheri curl, 'cause I know that plastic bag makes so much noise at night, you're always irritable, huh? Crumple, crumple. "I cannot sleep!" Maybe I better speak to you in your language. Drip, drip, drip, drip.
I'm new in L.A., I know there's things you can't do. You can't wear colors. Can't wear red. One gang will beat you up. Can't wear blue. Other gang will beat you up. Last night, I thought I was slick and put on plaid. Two golfers beat the hell out of me, ya'II.
And everybody in L.A. got a car phone. Don't matter how messed up the car. Sometime the phone is the best thing on the car. You could tell the car raggedy. Every time the phone ring, the car just cut off. "Girl, I'm glad you called. I need a jump. Stop calling me or I'll never get home."
But I do this 'cause I want to be rich. I don't want to be rich for the petty reasons that many of you do. I want to be rich so I can sleep late. 'Cause when you're broke, you know you got to get up at 6:00 in the morning. Sometimes you accidentally wake up at 3:00. "Oh, oh, oh. Am I late?" And Black people set their alarm clock so they can hit that snooze button three times. "That was a drill. I'm going to get it right next time."
And now they're saying there's a recession. Black folks, we didn't know there was a recession 'cause we been broke since the day before forever. You know, Black folks found a way to get around being broke 'cause we'll put some stuff on layaway, won't we? And leave it for a long time. I know brothers still got bell-bottoms on layaway. You ever left stuff on layaway so long you don't even recognize it when you get back? "Damn, when did I get an eight-track tape player? "It's paid for now." We do, man. And White folks, you see them in the unemployment office all the time. "$210 a week? How the hell am I going to live on $210 a week?" A brother be right behind him. "$210 a week? For nothing? Baby, get the kids. We done come up." It's basic differences. They just are.
Like Black parents are different than White parents. No better, no worse, just different. Saw a movie called Poltergeist. In the movie, a little White child trapped in a TV set. Start crying: "Oh, my God! Carol Anne's in the TV. What are we going to do?" You know, had that been a Black mother, she'd have been proud. Pick up the phone, call her best friend, "Girl, turn to Channel 2!" "My baby's on TV!"
But White people, I love you guys. Y'all get to do stuff we don't get to do. White people get to die and come back. Elvis been dead 15 years. People still seeing this brother. When a Black man is gone, he's just gone. You don't see brothers talking about, "Man, I just saw Marvin Gaye! He was at the mall!" "How do you know?" "I heard it through the grapevine." You guys have been great. Thank you very much.
M.C.: Give it up for Keith Campbell.

Quote from Philip

Will: Hey, good morning, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Morning, Will. I hear your friend Keith really blew them away last night at the standup club.
Will: Oh, man, you should have seen how he handled them hecklers. Oh, I mean, how I heard somewhere that he handled the hecklers.
Philip: Don't worry, Will, I know you were there and I'm not going to kill you. Because I heard you already died a pretty horrible death.
Will: Yo, it was nasty, Uncle Phil. I guess I ain't as funny as I thought.
Philip: I could have told you that. Ain't nothing you do funny to me.
Will: Whoa, that's pretty cold, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Yeah, well, so is the world if you don't have an education and a good job.

Quote from Will

Will: All right, I mean, I learned my lesson, Uncle Phil, but come on. Look, I'm funny. All right, here, check it out. Knock, knock.
Philip: Who's there?
Will: Amy Fisher.
Philip: Amy-
Will: Bang!

Quote from Philip

Keith: Yo, yo, yo. Well, hey, I'm on my way to the airport, but thank you guys for all your hospitality. I appreciate that. Everybody, except for you, Geoffrey. You don't think I'm funny, do you?
Geoffrey: For a tip I might.
Keith: Okay, well, I got a tip for you. Tails is out.
Geoffrey: So are you. [Geoffrey drops Keith's bag on the floor] There's the door.
Philip: Now, that's funny.

Quote from Will

Keith: And everybody in L.A. is a vegetarian. What is this? "Oh, I don't eat red meat. I don't eat pork." You know, it's cool to have a baked potato or a salad every once in a while, but at a certain level of hungry, I need something dead on my plate. Something that used to have horns and hoofs. And they put parsley on Black people's plates. I asked the waiter, "Oh, man, why you putting parsley on my plate?" He said, "It's a decoration, it make your plate look pretty." I'm like, "yo, man, wouldn't an extra shrimp make my plate look even better?"

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