Philip: I'll help you, Vivian. Now, I apologize. You were right. I have a responsibility, and I need to be here tonight.
Vivian: No, you don't. You just don't want to sleep on the couch, Philip.
Philip: I hate sleeping on that thing. It's all lumpy.

Danny: Will, I need you. Stay.
Will: All right, it's cool, Danny. All right, I know exactly what to do. [sticks head out of the sun roof] Help! Help!

Will: Hey, how's it going, Danny?
Danny: Not too bad. It's kind of like trying to squeeze Della Reese out of a Hyundai!
Will: All right, it's cool. All right, look, I'm calling 911. [shouts] 911! 911!

Hilary: [on the phone] Hi, Will. Wait, slow down. I can't understand you. No, I don't know where Mom is. Wait, what's the problem? Sure. Look, Will, I don't have time for your little pranks. I have a date. [to camera] What are you doing? Look, I'm not even playing that stupid murder game, so... Look, don't aim that thing at me.
Will: Hilary, are you there?
Hilary: Well, I hope you're all happy. Now I'm gonna have a big, ugly, red circle in the middle of my forehead. I'll look just like Carlton's yearbook picture.
Will: Hilary, no, don't hang up! Hilary.

Will: Danny, what are we gonna do?
Danny: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm going through all this in the back of a limo because of what went on in the back of my Jeep.
Will: Wow, I got to get me a Jeep. Look, Danny, can you do me, like, one real big favor?
Danny: Sure, what is it?
Will: Please don't have this baby now!

Danny: Will, there's a bottle of Dom Perignon over in the bar over there. Get it.
Will: I don't think so, Danny. You seem like you might be kind of a mean drunk.
Danny: I don't want to drink it. I want you to smack me over the head with it!
Will: What?
Danny: Just until I pass out. This baby's on its way, and I think it's bringing luggage.
Will: It can't be on its way now. You've only been in labor for 10 minutes.
Danny: Oh, tell him. He's coming!
Danny: Get out of my way.
Will: Wait, Danny, where are you going?
Danny: If I run really fast I can get back to the Forum and have my baby on the floor of a ladies' room with some dignity.

Will: Well, Danny, thanks for a wonderful evening. I'll call you.
Danny: Oh, no, Will, don't leave me.
Will: All right, Danny. I'll stay here, and I'll help you focus.
Danny: Focus? I don't want to focus. I want drugs! Now, get out in that parking lot and score!

Will: Danny, think of it as the World Series, all right? All right, Alomar is rounding third. Here comes the throw. Slide, Danny, slide.

Dr. Finkelbaum: Here you are, Danny. A beautiful healthy boy.
Danny: You want to hold him?
Will: Uh, no. No, thanks. I'll wait till somebody run him through a car wash or something. Come here, man.
Danny: Yeah, calm him down.
Will: Hey. [sings] Get busy. Put your thing down. It's your birthday.
Will: It's been one hell of a night, huh, Danny?
Danny: And, look, I went and saved the best for last.

Will: Anybody home? Shabba!
Philip: Get off me, man.
Will: Uncle Phil, what are you doing sleeping on the couch?
Philip: Uh, well, my chiropractor recommended it. As you know, Will, I have a separation in my lower lumbar area and the couch is perfect to align my...
Will: So she threw you out, huh?
Philip: You got that right.