Fez: Wow, that was great. I'm glad we stretched beforehand. And I have to say, I was terrific.

Hyde: You know, man, you can sell those pills.
Red: No, I can't.
Hyde: Yes, you can. You just have to find the right market.
Red: Well, who the hell is going to want a bunch of heart pills?
[cut to Hyde and Red at a lodge with middle-aged guys playing poker:]
Red: Anybody here take procardiacs? [all hands go up]
Hyde: The doctor is in.

Donna: No, if the walls in Fez's bedroom could talk, they'd yell, "Quit humping your Victoria Principal poster!"

Fez: No, I'm done sowing my wild oats. Mostly because my oats can't take it anymore. These tight jeans make my ass look great, but you pay the price up front.
Jackie: So wait. Fez, um, what, no more one-night stands?
Fez: Nope. I just didn't find those meaningless flings satisfying. I think I might be a one-woman guy.
Donna: Do you hear that, Jackie? Fez is a one-woman guy.
Fez: Yeah. Surprising, but true. Now if you'll excuse me, these jeans are splitting me in half.

Donna: Congratulations, Jackie, he's all yours. It's like you won the lottery. Well, you know, like a really crappy lottery.

Hyde: Now, where is the rest of the stash?
Red: It's in the medicine cabinet. And don't start calling the heart medicine "the stash." It makes it sound like we're...
Kitty: [enters] What's going on?
Hyde: Oh, just having a little man-to-man talk.
Kitty: About what?
Red: Well... Steven's getting a little older, and he just had some questions.
Kitty: Oh, please. He was married to a stripper. If anything, he should be giving you advice. [exits]
Red: See what you made me do? Now I'm lying to Kitty about selling drugs. That's it. I'm throwing those pills away. I can't spend my retirement as a lying dope peddler.
Hyde: No, man, you're not a dope peddler. You are a champion of the people! Now, where does Kitty keep those little plastic baggies?

Fez: But I want to be the one to tell her, so, um... So please don't tell anyone we had this conversation.
Kitty: I already forgot about it.
Fez: What? We just had it. Pay attention.
Kitty: No, Fez, I can keep a secret. For instance, I never told anyone that I once caught Red wearing my nightgown to keep his legs warm. Ooh, ooh, ooh. You didn't hear that.
Fez: Yes, I did. I was right here.
Kitty: No, I'm just saying, your secret's safe with me.

Jackie: Oh, hey, Mrs. Forman. What's up?
Kitty: Fez is crazy about you!
Jackie: Wait. What? Really?
Kitty: Yeah. Now, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I hate when they drag things out on soap operas. Nothing happens Monday through Thursday. We all know Marlena's the killer. [chuckles]

Jackie: I can't believe Fez likes me. I mean, you guys, this is everything I ever dreamed of. Having said that, I'm really glad my racist father isn't here to see us together.

Fez: Well, I finally figured out the one woman for me. As a matter of fact, she is here right now.
Jackie: Oh, my God. [Fez opens the door]
Caroline: Hi, guys.
Jackie: Caroline.
Donna: Caroline, I haven't seen you since you tried to kill us.
Caroline: I just couldn't believe it when Fez called. It was so nice to hear a familiar voice.
Randy: Oh, you mean coming from outside your head?
Caroline: Okay, the old me would've ripped out your eyeballs and hung them from my rear-view mirror like dice. But the new me just smiles and slaps the anger away. [giggles]
Fez: How sexy is that?