Jackie: Uh, Fez, you said you were a one-woman guy. Caroline's got, like, eight personalities. You'll go to bed with her one night, and wake up the next morning with, like, an 82-year-old Portuguese fisherman.
Fez: Hey, Caroline accepts me for who I am, so I'm gonna accept her for who they are.

Donna: Yeah, nothing spices up the bedroom like a crazy woman who might suffocate you in your sleep with a pillow.
Fez: Donna, we were role-playing. She was a sexy nurse and I was the guy she was trying to kill.

Kitty: Red, do you need anything from the supermarket?
Red: Yeah. Graham Crackers that don't taste like cardboard. I fought in two wars. I deserve name-brand cookies.
Kitty: Well, those are name-brand. Look at the box, there's the Kubler Dwarves.

Kitty: I can't believe we're out of plastic baggies already. I swear I just bought a box.
Red: Well, maybe you misplaced them. You know, you're always losing things. Like aluminum foil. Remember that time you lost the aluminum foil? I sure do.
Kitty: [answers phone] Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? [hangs up] That's the third hang-up today. Oh, and this afternoon, someone called and asked me if I had "the stuff." Wait a second. I saw a 60 Minutes piece on this the other day. Missing baggies, mysterious phone calls. I know what's going on.
Red: Kitty, I can explain.
Kitty: Steven's selling drugs.
Red: Yes, he is.

Donna: Wow. She's really putting away that pizza. The last time I saw her this upset was when Reverend Brown told her that ugly people go to heaven, too.

Donna: Jackie, look. Fez and Caroline are never going to last.
[Caroline enters wearing a wedding dress]
Caroline: Hi, guys.
Donna: Well, that was just bad timing.
Jackie: Why are you wearing a wedding dress? Oh, my God. Did Fez propose to you?
Caroline: Not yet, but he will. And I wanted to show him what I look like. Oh, but you know, I was hoping he'd be here, 'cause I gotta get this back to the store before they realize I climbed out the dressing room window.

Jackie: I can't believe Fez chose that whack job over me.
Donna: Jackie, the only reason Fez chose Caroline over you is because he has no idea that you like him.
Jackie: Yeah? Well, whose fault's that, Donna?
Donna: Yours.
Jackie: Oh, well, thank you for kicking me while I'm down.

Jackie: Hey, uh, Fez, we need to talk.
Fez: Okay, fine. I used your deodorant because I wanted to see if it was strong enough for a man. By the way, it wasn't.
Jackie: Fez, you see, when I heard you were ready to be with one woman, I got really excited. But that's because I thought you were talking about someone else.
Fez: Who?
[As Jackie kisses Fez, Caroline enters the apartment]
Caroline: Fez!
Fez: Um, I can explain.
Caroline: Go ahead.
Fez: Um, her tongue was in my mouth and then you walked in.
Caroline: You cheating bastard. Oh... Why do you make me do this to you? [pulls Fez to the floor]
Fez: [o.s.] Not in the face! Ow! Okay, the face! The face!