Kitty: Okay. Hello, hello. Let's kick off Kitty Fest with a little game.
Red: How about Hide and Go to Sleep?
Kitty: When I blow this whistle, pair up with someone and tell an anecdote about me. When I blow it again, pair up with someone else. And the person who tells the cutest story will get a special mention in my Christmas newsletter.
Jackie: That's a prize?
Kitty: Now, since there are an odd number of people here, I'm afraid one unlucky person is going to get left out of the fun.
Red: I'll fall on that grenade. Good night, everybody.
[Kitty stops Red from leaving]

Eric: Okay, you guys, let's see if I have everything I need for the moon and trench. Car, check. Lawn, check. Creamy white butt, check.
Kelso: Eric, wait. If you moon Old Man Shinsky, you're not gonna have time to pull up your pants. And you can't run back to the car with them around your ankles.
Eric: You think I shouldn't do it?
Kelso: No, hell, no. I think you should do it pantsless.
Donna: Eric, he's right. I mean you can barely run with your pants on.
Eric: The pants come off.
Fez: Oh, great. Everybody's on board when Eric wants to take his pants off, but when I do, we have to leave the restaurant.

Old Man Shinsky: What's going on here?
Eric: [bends over] That's my butt! [jumps over staircase] Whoo! [returns to the car] Lock, Donna! Now for the trench. [engine rattles] What's going on? We're not moving.
Donna: Oh, man, you dropped your transmission.
Eric: In English, Donna. In English.
Donna: Your car, no go.
Old Man Shinsky: [o.s.] I'm calling the police!
Kelso: But wait, I am the police. They can't catch me here, we gotta go.
Eric: I gotta stay with the car.
Fez: We don't.
Eric: Man, Donna, what are we gonna do?
Donna: [kisses Eric] I love you, Eric.
Eric: What? No. No, don't leave me. Oh, Kelso, buddy, thanks. I knew you'd come back.
Kelso: Oh, I'm not really back. Since you didn't make me first lieutenant, I'm just here to say, "I got his pants!"

Kitty: You're right, Phyllis, I am a talented mimic. [normal voice] "Hi, I'm Johnny Carson and I'm on TV." [laughs] Uh-oh, time to switch. [blows whistle] Well, it's you and me. This should be fun.
Red: [sighs] So... you take out the trash?
Kitty: No.
Red: I gotta do that then.
Kitty: Oh, this is terrible. Have we run out of things to talk about?
Red: Oh, no, no. Let me see. I saw a squirrel in the yard today.
Kitty: I love that squirrel. I've been feeding him peanuts.
Red: Well, that explains why he took the poison right out of my hand.

Eric: Look, man, please don't call my dad. If he hears about this, he's gonna kill me. I don't mean figuratively, he would literally kill me with his bare hands. He will kill me like he has killed oh-so-many squirrels.
Police Officer: Settle down. You're 18. I'm not gonna call your dad.
[cut to Eric being thrown in a jail cell while still in his underwear:]
Eric: I want my daddy.

Eric: Donna.
Donna: They said I could visit you for 10 minutes.
Eric: It's good to see a friendly face. Jail's no place for me, Donna. I'm too pretty.
Donna: Eric, you're gonna be fine. Plus, I brought something that you really need.
Eric: Tell me it's pants.
Donna: Oh. Crap, I knew I forgot something. But how do Milk Duds sound?
Eric: Kind of like they won't cover the lower half of my body.
Kelso: All right. Visiting hours are over.
Donna: Fine, he's cranky anyway.

Eric: All right, Kelso, awesome. Get me out of here.
Kelso: Shut up, punk. You know, around here we have a saying.
Eric: Is it, "Everyone down, Kelso's got a gun"?
Kelso: No. It's, "Kelso gets to be first lieutenant." But now, sir, you are a criminal, and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of my imagination.

Red: I wanna go to sleep.
Bob: Me, too.
Kitty: Well, I wanted one night that was just about me, and now everything's about Midge. It's not enough that she's got legs up to here and the you-know-whats out to you-know-where. Now she's gotta upstage me on my big night. Well, you just get over yourself, lady.
Red: You know, I never thought I'd be saying this, but how's about you and me get a motel room?
Bob: I'd like that.

Kelso: I know what you're thinking, punk. Is that gun real or fake?
Eric: Well, the gun is green, but it's also plastic so it's anyone's guess.
Kelso: Well, then you have to ask yourself one question, punk. "Do I like being squirted with grape juice?" Well, do you? [sprays Eric]
Eric: Okay. Quit it, quit it.
Kelso: [laughs] You're gonna be all sticky.

Police Officer: Okay, Mr. Shinsky, once you've identified the culprit you can file a formal complaint.
Old Man Shinsky: Oh, that's him. I'd recognize that creamy-ass moron anywhere. Oh, yeah, he was there, too.
Kelso: What me? No, no. No, no, no. I was undercover, infiltrating the underworld trenching world. And it goes a lot deeper than you might think. The whole middle school might be involved.
Police Officer: Okay. In you go, Kelso.
Kelso: Come on, you're putting me in jail?
Police Officer: Maybe a few hours in the can will give you a new respect for the law.
Kelso: But that's the thing, it won't.