Donna: Do you see how messed up she is, Doctor? I mean she's got some real issues.
Dr. Hammond: I notice you dyed your hair. What are you running away from?
Donna: I just want people to like me!
Dr. Hammond: Jackie, just remember that whoever you end up with, the key to any relationship is good communication.

Hyde: Why is the closed sign on the door?
Randy: Oh, Red put that up. He said I could either have a closed sign on the door, or an open sign on my ass.
Hyde: I should never have asked him to come down, man. He is bad for business.
Leo: You think that's bad for business? I've been stealing money for months.

Hyde: Red? Red. Hey, man, why are you working so hard? You should be enjoying your retirement, you know.
Red: Yeah, there's still plenty to do here. The hinge on that office door is busted, the window needs caulking and that back room is such a mess, you got a bunch of weeds growing in there.
Hyde: Look, man, why don't you just call it a day, you know? You're retired, it's 2:00. Hey, it's almost dinner time.
Red: Are you kicking me out?
Hyde: No. You know... Yeah. Look, why... Why don't you just go home.
Red: I don't believe this!

Hilary: Fez, great news. I have an opportunity to do something that is going to make me incredibly happy.
Fez: Oh, that is wonderful.
Hilary: I'm going to become a nun.
Fez: You selfish whore!
Hilary: Listen, I join the convent next week. So, I'm sorry. But, if it makes you feel any better, you're the last man to ever touch me. Unless, I meet someone in Italy before I take my vows. See you.

Jackie: Oh, okay. Look, Fez, you're not... You're not going to die alone.
Fez: Yes, I am. I'm a foreign weirdo.
Jackie: No, no. You have fascinating stories about faraway lands.
Fez: I scare women away with my clinginess.
Jackie: But when someone needs you, you're always there.
Fez: People can barely understand a word I say.
Jackie: Well, yes, but that's a good thing, because sometimes you say really stupid things. Uh, okay, look, Fez, you're a great guy, okay. You're funny and you're cute. And any girl would be lucky to have you.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you're so sweet. Why can't I find a woman like you who likes me?
Jackie: I got to go. [exits]
Fez: Well, if I watch some TV, I'll feel better.
Announcer: [on TV] And now, Masterpiece Theatre presents A Lonely Foreigner.

Jackie: Okay, Donna, I don't know what to do. I thought I only liked Fez because he was unavailable. But now he's available and I still like him. I mean, I almost kissed him. On the mouth! He eats couscous with that thing!
Donna: Okay, before I tell you what to do, let me just get one thing straight. You really like Fez? Fez is the one you like?
Jackie: Yes.
Donna: So you want to go out on dates with Fez? And make out with Fez?
Jackie: Yes!
Donna: Okay. Its Christmas morning, you get up and your gift is Fez!
Jackie: Donna!
Donna: Sorry.

Jackie: Hey, Fez, um, okay, we need to talk.
Fez: Yes, yes, we do. I thought about what you said and you were right.
Jackie: I was?
Fez: Yes. Hilary did me a big favor by leaving.
Jackie: Yes. Yeah, okay, I think so, too.
Fez: And what I realized is I shouldn't be tied down to one woman.
Jackie: Wait. What?
Fez: Yes. I should be spreading my seed all across the land. So, America, get ready, 'cause Fez is coming out in action and no woman is safe. Except you. Nightie night!

Dr. Hammond: Don't get me started on my home life. My wife and I haven't slept together for months. But it's not all good news.
Kitty: Oh, well, looks like our hour is almost up. But it seems like you could use a drink.
Dr. Hammond: Pour one for yourself.
Kitty: Oh, no. I never touch the stuff. Oh, what the hell, doctor's orders!