Eric: Dad, all I need from you now is a financial statement, so the school can see where I'm getting the old moolah.
Red: Oh, well, bad news, I... I spent your college money to keep the muffler shop going.
Eric: What?
Hyde: This is really weird. Because my parents, instead of paying for my college, bought me a muffler.

Donna: Eric, you should go see Mr. Bray. Finding money for college is what high school guidance counselors do.
Hyde: Yeah, they also spend a lot of time staring at themselves in the mirror saying, "I can't believe I'm a high school guidance counselor."
Eric: I don't know about Mr. Bray. I don't think he really liked me. One time I told him I was being bullied, and he just said, "What'd you expect?"
Donna: All right, I'll go with you. He'll help. He totally loved me, in almost entirely appropriate ways.

Angie: I'm so glad you came by, Daddy.
William: Well, I missed you guys. I'm not just your rich boss, I'm also your rich dad. In fact, everyone related to me, grab some cash from the register.
Hyde: Uh, I've already been in there once today, but you're the boss.

Kelso: Okay, I can do this. I'm just gonna tell Angie that things are fizzling between us and we should end it.
Angie: Hey, how's it going, sweets?
Fez: Not bad, toots. Oh, him. Go, go.
Kelso: Okay, uh... We need to talk about something. This might be kind of hard to take. Fez still wets the bed.
Fez: What?
Angie: Ew!
Kelso: At least we're still together. [chuckles] I'll see you later.
Fez: I'm going to wet your bed.

Eric: Oh, my God, I can't believe I have to tell my high school guidance counselor that I spent an entire year doing nothing. He's gonna think I'm such a loser. Oh, Donna, let's tell him it's you.
Donna: No, you're a much more believable loser.
Eric: Oh, come on, he won't judge you. He loves you. I mean, jeez, he asked you to prom.
Mr. Bray: [enters] Okay, let's see... Donna. What a pleasant, pleasant surprise. Jeez, you've done something different with your hair since the prom.
Donna: Yeah, you noticed.
Mr. Bray: Well, I notice everything about all my students.
Eric: I, like, put on a little weight.
Mr. Bray: And you are?
Eric: Eric Forman, 1977's most improved mathlete.
Mr. Bray: Oh, right. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, Eric. I just figured the bullies had gotten you.

Eric: Anyway, Donna here is looking for some college scholarships.
Mr. Bray: Well, Donna, you've come to the right place because I am an expert at college scholarships, as well as the affairs of the heart. Why don't you have just a little seat right here, young lady.
Donna: Thank you.
Eric: I guess I'll... [clears throat] [sits on stool] Great.
Mr. Bray: So, Donna, to figure out what scholarships you're eligible for, I'll have to know what you've done for the last year.
Donna: Oh! Um... Well, not a lot. I read comic books, acted out movies with my dolls...
Eric: Action figures. Okay, you always insist that they are called action figures.
Mr. Bray: You know, if Eric had told me he had wasted a whole year of his life, I wouldn't be surprised. But you?
Eric: I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. It has been a long, ugly fall, very hard to watch. In fact, just between you and me, she's even gotten into a little bit of the smoky, smoky.
Donna: All right. Screw this. The scholarship is for him. Eric, good luck. Mr. Bray, my coming here was not an invitation to start driving by my house again.
Mr. Bray: Hey, my mother lives right next door.
Eric: I live right next door.
Mr. Bray: Oh, well. How's Mother?

Hyde: How'd you get a promotion? You don't know anything about music. Last week a guy came in asking for KISS, you called him "pervert" and slapped him in the face.
Jackie: Well, did your dad say anything about Steven?
Angie: I don't know, I just heard the word "promotion," and I got a little dizzy and sort of blacked out. It was awesome.
Hyde: Well, here's the America I know, the person who can't do anything rises to the top, while the guy who's working his ass off gets nothing.
Jackie: Are you supposed to be the guy that works his ass off?
Hyde: Don't make this more complicated than it has to be.

Kelso: Jackie, listen, I need some advice on breaking up with girls, okay? And you've been broken up with a lot, and several times by me. So what didn't you like?
Jackie: Oh. Um... The lying, the cheating, the sneaking around. Oh, and I also didn't like Fez trying to make out with me five minutes later.
Fez: Well, then you're really not gonna like this.
Kelso: Look, I don't know how to break up with Angie.
Jackie: Well, why don't you try to figure out how to do it kindly, maturely, respectfully.
Kelso: Yeah, that sounds nice. I think I'm just gonna sleep with her best friend.

Eric: Okay, I actually got some great news from the guidance counselor. There's this program where you go and teach in an impoverished area for a year, and then they pay for your college. I signed up.
Donna: Eric, that's perfect.
Kitty: That's wonderful.
Red: See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. You're welcome.

Kitty: You can't go to Africa. They don't even have ketchup there. You put ketchup on everything. You'll starve to death.
Eric: Can you believe how much she's freaking out?
Donna: No, I cannot believe that someone you supposedly love is upset that you decided to go to Africa without considering her feelings at all.
Eric: See? Donna understands.