Cheyenne: Do you ever regret getting married so young?
Amy: Um, no. I mean, I wouldn't say regret, but I did miss out on some experiences and stuff.
Cheyenne: Yeah, like threesomes.
Amy: No, I didn't mean...
Cheyenne: Like sex with Italian guys?
Amy: More like Nordic. But I didn't mean sex, I meant life and dating and, you know, stuff like that.

Dina: You're all ingrates. I hope someone sets you all on fire, and you need a volunteer to put it out.
Amy: It's too much for 6:00 a.m., Dina.
Dina: I don't think it's enough.

Mateo: I once got dehydration so bad I was hospitalized for a month. They said it was like the worst case they'd ever seen.
Jonah: Oh, my God. Really?
Mateo: No, I was just trying to beat your story. Sorry, I'm competitive.
Jonah: Yeah, well. We all got our stuff.
Mateo: I got more stuff than you, though.
Jonah: Okay.
Mateo: I want to talk last.

Jonah: Okay, fine. I'll do it.
Glenn: Okay, thank you, Jonah. You and Mateo will be in charge of our in-store dog adoption today. [all gasp] Yes, that's right. That volunteer job was desirable. That was a lesson. "And lo, the Samaritan, as he traveled, came to where..."
Amy: 6:00 a.m., Glenn.
Glenn: Okay, right. Anyway, while the rest of you are having normal, dogless days, these two selfless heroes will be in puppy heaven.

Sandra: I want to be in puppy heaven.
Jonah: I'll switch if anybody wants. I don't really care about dogs. [all gasp] I mean, I don't dislike them. I just, you know, I don't really have strong feelings one way or the other.
Mateo: You're a psychopath.
Dina: Sociopath, he's a sociopath.
Amy: Is it because they don't like you?
Jonah: No, no I think it says something about our priorities that we spend so much money on pets when there are literally millions of children without adequate nutrition.
Mateo: I hope you die.

Glenn: Okay, I need another volunteer.
Sandra: Me me me me me me me me!
Glenn: Sandra, thank you. Come on up. And I am glad that you're an animal lover because we have a large number of hornets nests around the perimeter of the store. That's right, it's not always good to volunteer. That was another lesson.

Glenn: No, come on. This doesn't have to wind up on YouTube. Film one of my impressions instead. "Hi, I'm Batman." That was Batman. "And now I'm the Joker." That was the Joker. "You merely adopted the dark, I was born in it."

Mateo: I know we've always had this unspoken rivalry.
Jonah: Not a rivalry, you're just always mean to me. And not unspoken, you talk about it all the time?
Mateo: Well, anyway, since we're stuck together, I figured we could at least be civil.
Lydia: Okay, somebody needs to be in charge of the...
Mateo: I'll do it. I'll do it better. This guy doesn't even like dogs so.
Jonah: See, you're even trying to embarrass me in front of the dog lady.
Mateo: "Dog lady?" Jonah, she has a name.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention shoppers, are you thinking of having a baby, but want to test the waters with something that's not the same at all? Adopt a dog today.

Garrett: 44, 43, 42...
Dina: What are you doing?
Garrett: "Employees may take no longer than 15 minutes for their lunch break." I've been timing you since you walked in. You got 40 seconds left.
Dina: Come on, I needed to re-tighten my ponytail. I can't go out there looking like a slut.
Garrett: Rules are rules, that's what you said. Unless you want to go back on that? 35, 34, 33, 32...
Dina: [eats] Oh, it's so hot. It's burning my mouth.
Garrett: Less talking, more swallowing.
Dina: God, my mouth skin.