Sandra: And then another time, I thought Jerry came out of his coma and winked at me, but turns out, it was just a muscle spasm from low folic acid.
Mateo: Uh-huh.
Dina: Did you check the twitch for Morse Code? He could have been telling you to stop talking, or it's possible he's in so much pain, he's just begging anyone to pull the plug. I think that's what it was.

Amy: Spread the word, bitches. Craymie in the house!
Marcus: Yeah, go, Creamy! Go, Creamy! Creamy is here!
Corey: Who's Creamy?
Marcus: I don't... uh... I don't know.

Garrett: You see all the dirt, grime, and gum? That gets on the bottom of your shoes, and then you put your shoes on my couch.
Jonah: Which is why I lay my shoes on their side so that the soles don't touch the fabric.
Garrett: Oh, you know, I think you're working too hard. Why don't you just take off your shoes?
Jonah: Oh, yeah.
Kelly: Hey, guys? There's a dad here with his kid, asking where the store Santa is.
Garrett: Tell him to check the drunk tank. Apparently Santa's Christmas cheer level was at a .08.
Jonah: Maybe Santa has to drink because Mrs. Claus won't get off his back about shoes on the couch.
Garrett: Call me Mrs. Claus one more time.

Garrett: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Jonah: Merry Christmas from me, too. I'm an elf.

Dina: Well, I've come up with my New Year's resolutions... more birds, more sex, more Judo. And I'm gonna try to pepper, "Yas, queen," into conversation more... I think it's time.

Boy: Should I tell you what I want?
Garrett: Yeah, that's a great place to start. Uh, were you good this year?
Boy: Yes.
Jonah: And would you like Santa to bring you a real gift or a passive-aggressive one?
Boy: Uh...
Garrett: Well, that depends. Did you put your water glasses back in the sink, or are there 100 of them on your night stand?
Kelly: Come on, guys.
Jonah: That's so funny, 'cause I seem to remember Santa saying, "Make yourself at home." But I guess...
Garrett: Elves don't talk.
Jonah: Oh, right, of course, because if we do, Santa... [knocks] bangs on the wall for us to shut up.
Kelly: Now say, "Candy canes!"
All: Candy cane!

Mateo: Look, I'm sorry I called Christmas "fine," okay?
Glenn: Look, just trust me. When you see a child's face light up at the sight of Old Saint Nick...
Jonah: You're honestly claiming your life hasn't been improved by fajita Thursdays?
Garrett: Oh, you mean "clean up my greasy kitchen 'cause Jonah thinks he's Bobby Flay" Thursdays?
Jonah: What the [bleep] is wrong with you?
Garrett: What the [bleep] is wrong with you?
Mateo: Magical.

Jonah: It's just... it's like he wants to be mad at me, so he just comes up with these little excuses. You know, like, he'll... he'll take the trash out when it's half full just so he can be like, "There's another thing Jonah didn't do."
Kelly: I only take my trash out when it topples over like a Jenga tower.
Jonah: Right? Thank you. Maybe we should be roommates.
Kelly: Well, I'd have to run your credit check.
Jonah: Oh, yeah?
Kelly: What's your debt-to-income ratio?
Jonah: I want to say... seven. Is that...
Kelly: That is not good.
Jonah: Is that bad? No?
Kelly: No.
Jonah: Well, I ran into a lot of trouble with my, uh, Eddie Bauer Discover card. College.

Amy: But I do have to say I'm looking forward to next year. I really feel like it's time to just start living life. You know? Like, I don't know. I feel like I can get wilder.
Mateo: Oh, God. You're not gonna cut your hair again, are you?
Amy: No. I mean, maybe. I don't know. I just mean, like... finally taking those motorcycle lessons, or skydiving, or, like, maybe I'll get a tattoo. [Garrett snorts] [laughter]
Cheyenne: There's just no way you're doing any of that.
Amy: I'm serious. I-I'm going to unleash crazy Amy. You guys can call me "Craymie."
Garrett: Uh, no, thanks.
Cheyenne: Cray...
Dina: Not doing that.
Amy: Amy, Craymie.
Sandra: Mm-hmm.
Amy: All right, well, that was just a idea.
Mateo: Feels forced.

Dina: Oh, dear God, it's cold out here.
Charity Man: You're telling me.
Dina: Well, it's, uh, toasty inside, and you're not really getting any foot traffic anyway. So would you mind stepping away from the door?
Charity Man: I'm sorry?
Dina: You keep activating the automatic doors and letting the heat out. Also, the bell ringing... could you slow it down? Right now you're at a bell, two, three, four. Why don't you try a bell... two... three... four? I only ask you because it's... it's just so annoying.
Charity Man: Okay.
Dina: Thanks. [to the deer] Who's a good boy?