Amy: No, you guys, I'm serious. I used to, like, shoplift bulk candy and, like, run, and one time I stole a car.
Marcus: Yeah. Okay.
Amy: No, you guys, I did. It was 10th grade. I took my math teacher's Kia, drove it to the Burger King, got some French toast sticks, and then I just left it there... like, bounced.
Mateo: The French toast sticks were a little too specific. But nice try.
Cheyenne: Yeah, you would never do that.
Amy: No, I did do that.

Amy: I mean, it's just... It's messed up.
Cheyenne: It is so messed up.
Dina: You know what? I'm just gonna say it. Men are from Mars. I just came up with that.

Dina: This is just like the movie Wild Hogs.
Cheyenne: What?
Dina: Wild Hogs!
Cheyenne: Okay.
Amy: And we're sure this is faster than walking?

Kelly: You okay?
Jonah: Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Fine.
Kelly: Okay, 'cause you look a little bit like a disgruntled Keebler Elf about to shoot up the tree house.

Dina: You know the rules. No religious crap in the store.
Glenn: Religious cr... Oh, this? This is just a winter barn display.
Dina: With a Baby Jesus and Three Wise Men?
Glenn: That is a normal barn baby and three men of average intelligence. No, below average. No, average.
Dina: Oh, wow. Well, I feel foolish.
Glenn: It's an honest mistake.
Dina: I can't believe that I thought this guy was a wise man. [laughs] What a stupid, stupid dummy I am.
Glenn: You're not that stupid.
Dina: I mean, I guess if this was someone from the Bible, you'd probably be pretty upset if I did this. [kicks figure across the store] Yeah, I probably would be.
Glenn: Probably would be, yeah.
Dina: And I-I guess then you'd also be upset if I did this. [kicks another] Oh! His head popped off.
Glenn: It's so much fun kicking them.
Dina: Isn't it?
Glenn: Yeah.
Dina: Guess that brings us to this little gentleman.
Glenn: Okay, could you just...
Dina: Born with a simple destiny... to be punted across a Cloud 9 store. She... could... go... all... the... way!
Glenn: Wait, give me that! That's Baby Jesus! That is sweet little Baby Jesus! You leave him alone, you monster!
Dina: They're all dolls, Glenn.

Mateo: My grandmother would kill me for saying this, but I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of Christmas.
Glenn: What?
Mateo: I mean, real talk... Christmas is pretty disappointing and overhyped. It's kind of like Star Wars.
Garrett: Whoa!
Dina: You don't like Star Wars?

Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we just one-at-a-time this? It's not about a day. It's about looking back on the year we shared and celebrating it.
Dina: Yeah, let's celebrate the year a tornado hit the store.
Jonah: My entire apartment got destroyed.
Garrett: I got a really annoying roommate, and he won't leave.
Amy: I got a divorce.
Sandra: My boyfriend wound up in a coma.
Jonah: I am looking for a place.
Garrett: Not looking hard enough.
Dina: It's just a sucky year.
Sandra: The doctors aren't sure if he'll ever even...
Glenn: Cheyenne, can I have the voltage tester, please?

Marcus: Oh, great. Narc alert.
Corey: Oh, it's the fun police.
Marcus: Time to get written up.
Corey: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Why would you just assume I'm gonna turn you in?
Corey: I mean, it's nothing personal, but...
Marcus: Yeah, you just always act all lame and stuff. Like a narc.
Corey: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.
Amy: I don't understand why everyone thinks I'm this little boring... All right, well, would a narc do this? [drinks from flask]
Corey: That was the tiniest sip I've ever seen.
Marcus: It feels like what a narc would do to prove they're not a narc.
Corey: Yeah.
Amy: Okay, well, how about this? [drinks more]
Marcus: I mean, now you're just stealing my alcohol.

Garrett: Oh, hey, man. Merry Christmas.
Jonah: Oh, wow. Thank you, Garrett. This is... [stammers] I know things have been a little tense lately. And I guess, you know, when you work with someone you also live with, things can be a little... Oh, is that a... is this a bath mat?
Garrett: Yeah, I just figured it'd be something you could use based on the puddles by the shower.
Jonah: Well, this is awesome.
Garrett: Yeah, right?
Jonah: Thank you.

Jonah: You know, I haven't bought your gift yet.
Garrett: Oh, not necessary.
Jonah: But I was thinking, you know, what about noise-canceling headphones? You know? So you don't... you don't have to keep banging on the wall every time I make the tiniest peep.
Garrett: Or you could save some money and just quit it with the harmonica lessons on YouTube. That would be a gift.
Jonah: Ha! Yeah. Yeah, it would be.
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Jonah: Yeah. Oh, it could be.
Garrett: Uh-huh.
Jonah: It could be.
Garrett: Yeah.
Jonah: [sighs] Ah, anyway, good talk.
Garrett: Oh, great talk.
Jonah: Incredible talk.
Garrett: Marvelous talk.
Jonah: [o.s.] Awesome talk. I'm out of earshot.