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Christmas Eve

‘Christmas Eve’

Season 3, Episode 7 -  Aired December 5, 2017

On Christmas Eve, Glenn tries to show Mateo the joy of the holiday season, Amy tries to let her hair down, and reluctant roommates Jonah and Garrett can't stop bickering.

Quote from Amy

Amy: No, you guys, I'm serious. I used to, like, shoplift bulk candy and, like, run, and one time I stole a car.
Marcus: Yeah. Okay.
Amy: No, you guys, I did. It was 10th grade. I took my math teacher's Kia, drove it to the Burger King, got some French toast sticks, and then I just left it there... like, bounced.
Mateo: The French toast sticks were a little too specific. But nice try.
Cheyenne: Yeah, you would never do that.
Amy: No, I did do that.


Quote from Dina

Amy: I mean, it's just... It's messed up.
Cheyenne: It is so messed up.
Dina: You know what? I'm just gonna say it. Men are from Mars. I just came up with that.

Quote from Dina

Dina: This is just like the movie Wild Hogs.
Cheyenne: What?
Dina: Wild Hogs!
Cheyenne: Okay.
Amy: And we're sure this is faster than walking?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: You okay?
Jonah: Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Fine.
Kelly: Okay, 'cause you look a little bit like a disgruntled Keebler Elf about to shoot up the tree house.

Quote from Dina

Dina: You know the rules. No religious crap in the store.
Glenn: Religious cr... Oh, this? This is just a winter barn display.
Dina: With a Baby Jesus and Three Wise Men?
Glenn: That is a normal barn baby and three men of average intelligence. No, below average. No, average.
Dina: Oh, wow. Well, I feel foolish.
Glenn: It's an honest mistake.
Dina: I can't believe that I thought this guy was a wise man. [laughs] What a stupid, stupid dummy I am.
Glenn: You're not that stupid.
Dina: I mean, I guess if this was someone from the Bible, you'd probably be pretty upset if I did this. [kicks figure across the store] Yeah, I probably would be.
Glenn: Probably would be, yeah.
Dina: And I-I guess then you'd also be upset if I did this. [kicks another] Oh! His head popped off.
Glenn: It's so much fun kicking them.
Dina: Isn't it?
Glenn: Yeah.
Dina: Guess that brings us to this little gentleman.
Glenn: Okay, could you just...
Dina: Born with a simple destiny... to be punted across a Cloud 9 store. She... could... go... all... the... way!
Glenn: Wait, give me that! That's Baby Jesus! That is sweet little Baby Jesus! You leave him alone, you monster!
Dina: They're all dolls, Glenn.

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: My grandmother would kill me for saying this, but I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of Christmas.
Glenn: What?
Mateo: I mean, real talk... Christmas is pretty disappointing and overhyped. It's kind of like Star Wars.
Garrett: Whoa!
Dina: You don't like Star Wars?

Quote from Garrett

Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we just one-at-a-time this? It's not about a day. It's about looking back on the year we shared and celebrating it.
Dina: Yeah, let's celebrate the year a tornado hit the store.
Jonah: My entire apartment got destroyed.
Garrett: I got a really annoying roommate, and he won't leave.
Amy: I got a divorce.
Sandra: My boyfriend wound up in a coma.
Jonah: I am looking for a place.
Garrett: Not looking hard enough.
Dina: It's just a sucky year.
Sandra: The doctors aren't sure if he'll ever even...
Glenn: Cheyenne, can I have the voltage tester, please?

Quote from Marcus

Marcus: Oh, great. Narc alert.
Corey: Oh, it's the fun police.
Marcus: Time to get written up.
Corey: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Why would you just assume I'm gonna turn you in?
Corey: I mean, it's nothing personal, but...
Marcus: Yeah, you just always act all lame and stuff. Like a narc.
Corey: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.
Amy: I don't understand why everyone thinks I'm this little boring... All right, well, would a narc do this? [drinks from flask]
Corey: That was the tiniest sip I've ever seen.
Marcus: It feels like what a narc would do to prove they're not a narc.
Corey: Yeah.
Amy: Okay, well, how about this? [drinks more]
Marcus: I mean, now you're just stealing my alcohol.

Quote from Garrett

Garrett: Oh, hey, man. Merry Christmas.
Jonah: Oh, wow. Thank you, Garrett. This is... [stammers] I know things have been a little tense lately. And I guess, you know, when you work with someone you also live with, things can be a little... Oh, is that a... is this a bath mat?
Garrett: Yeah, I just figured it'd be something you could use based on the puddles by the shower.
Jonah: Well, this is awesome.
Garrett: Yeah, right?
Jonah: Thank you.

Quote from Garrett

Jonah: You know, I haven't bought your gift yet.
Garrett: Oh, not necessary.
Jonah: But I was thinking, you know, what about noise-canceling headphones? You know? So you don't... you don't have to keep banging on the wall every time I make the tiniest peep.
Garrett: Or you could save some money and just quit it with the harmonica lessons on YouTube. That would be a gift.
Jonah: Ha! Yeah. Yeah, it would be.
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Jonah: Yeah. Oh, it could be.
Garrett: Uh-huh.
Jonah: It could be.
Garrett: Yeah.
Jonah: [sighs] Ah, anyway, good talk.
Garrett: Oh, great talk.
Jonah: Incredible talk.
Garrett: Marvelous talk.
Jonah: [o.s.] Awesome talk. I'm out of earshot.

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