Myrtle: I once got caught trying to run a badger game in Kansas City. Ha. I had to cut my way out.

Dina: [sobbing] I couldn't sleep or eat, so I just watched old VHS tapes of the 1994 Winter Olympics. I'm Team Tanya all the way, you know?
Amy: Mm.
Dina: I'm pretty sure Nancy Kerrigan hit herself in the leg.
[later:]
Dina: Nobody tells you at six that a dog can't eat chocolate.
Amy: Oh, wow. We're going back to the beginning. Okay.
[later:]
Dina: And for the rest of camp, all the kids called me "Bagel Boobs."

Amy: Hey. Have you guys noticed anything weird about Dina?
Garrett: Well, Dina's her own thing. We've had sex in three different houses, and I'm not totally sure any of them were hers.

Carol: My worse trauma was when Sandra tried to murder me during a tornado.
Sandra: I didn't try to murder you. I just didn't try to save you.
Glenn: I love your friendship. Frick and Frack.

Glenn: How's it going, you two?
Mateo: [sighs] Oh, uh... comes in waves. One second I'm, like, "Huh?" And the next I'm, like, "Huh."

Amy: We're gathered here today to honor our dear friend and co-worker Brett Kobashigawa. He died doing what he loved most... collecting carts.
Glenn: We do not know he's dead!
Amy: Glenn.
Glenn: They did not find a body.
Garrett: They found a foot.
Glenn: Maybe it's somebody else's foot. All we know is that Brett was in the parking lot collecting carts when the tornado hit. And that no one has seen or heard from him since.
Jonah: And the foot...
Glenn: Stop with the foot. We have addressed the foot.

Dina: I agree with Glenn. Brett wasn't killed by that tornado.
Glenn: Thank you, Dina.
Dina: What usually happens is all the air is sucked from your lungs and then they fill up with blood, so, technically, he probably drowned on his own blood.

Dina: Also, it could've been blunt force trauma. I mean, at those wind speeds, even a coffee mug could blow your chest plate wide open.
Amy: At any rate, we hereby dedicate this bench to Brett, where he used to sit on his flip phone and argue with his wife for hours.
Jonah: Yeah, now might not be the best time, but if anybody still hasn't chipped in for the plaque, it's $6.83 each, so... Just, you know, get it to me when you can.
Mateo: His body isn't even cold yet, Jonah.
Glenn: Because he's probably still alive, basking on some beach in the Mediterranean.
Garrett: Yeah, just waiting for his foot stump to heal.
Dina: Could've been impaled by a curtain rod. I mean, for all we know, he could be one of several people on the same rod. Hopefully, for his sake, he was on one of the ends.

Amy: Okay, Sandra, how about another song?
Sandra: Oh. Okay, uh, it's not a song, but I-I did learn a new chord. [strums out of tune] Nope, no... that's not it. [strums out of tune again] Nope.

Jonah: So that was a... Cloud 9 funeral.
Amy: Yep, there was way more fanfare when Deborah got hit by a forklift.
Jonah: Sorry I missed that. You know, Brett's actually the first person I ever knew who died.
Amy: Really? What about, like, your grandparents?
Jonah: Nope. All still alive and healthy. My Pop-pop can run an eight-minute mile.
Amy: That's a weird thing to brag about.
Jonah: I'm just saying. It's pretty fast.