Jerry: All right, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!
Uncle Leo: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it.
Jerry: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!
Uncle Leo: I've never seen a band like this.
Jerry: Oh, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!
Uncle Leo: You have it on you?
Jerry: Yeah, I think I do. [under his breath] This is unbelievable.
[Morty walks in]
Morty Seinfeld: What the hell is going on here?

Jerry: So what'd we get?
George: [smiles] Eight thousand dollars.
Jerry: Beautiful!
George: [quietly] That's uh, for the two of us.
Helen Seinfeld: Four thousand apiece?
Jerry: Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money.
George: I was wrong, you were right.
Jerry: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up.
George: You're smart, I'm dumb.
Jerry: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world.

George: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Jerry: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.
George: You're kidding.
Jerry: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
George: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.
[Jerry gives his parents a final wave. They wave back.]
Morty Seinfeld: You believe this?
Helen Seinfeld: What?
Morty Seinfeld: It's Velcro.
Helen Seinfeld: You're kidding.
Morty Seinfeld: Who needs this? [throws it in the trash] Leo, let's go.
[As Helen and Morty get in Leo's car, he passes by the trash can and gives it a second look. He sees the new wallet and pockets it.]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration. "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "All right, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."

Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check.
Maitre d': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back?
Morty Seinfeld: No, no, he won't let me do that.
Maitre d': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly?
Morty Seinfeld: He could wash them.
Maitre d': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years!
Maitre d': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you?
Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand my...
Maitre d': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah.

Morty Seinfeld: I don't understand this jeweler, Jimmy Sherman. [points to Jerry] He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day.
Jerry: Oh, you know these jewelers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.

Helen Seinfeld: [talking about a waitress] She's very attractive.
Jerry: She's okay.
Helen Seinfeld: Just okay?
Jerry: She's nice.
Helen Seinfeld: She's better than nice.
Jerry: She's all right.
Helen Seinfeld: She's beautiful.
Jerry: She's not beautiful.
Helen Seinfeld: I think she's beautiful.
Jerry: So you ask her out.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm not gonna ask her out.
Jerry: Why not?
Helen Seinfeld: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen Seinfeld: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.

Morty Seinfeld: Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this.

Susan Ross: Well, there's nothing I can do.
George: Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it?
Susan Ross: Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games.
George: Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?
Susan Ross: You'll have to wait till Monday.
George: Mon...? No, no, I can't wait till Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?
Susan Ross: [laugh] I can't give you his address.
[George looks frustrated for a second and then sees Susan's purse on the dashboard.]
Susan Ross: Give it back!
George: Gimme the purse!

Helen Seinfeld: What's the matter with you?
Jerry: What?
Helen Seinfeld: Why didn't you flirt with her?
Jerry: Come on.
Helen Seinfeld: She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something?
Jerry: What am I gonna say?
Helen Seinfeld: You just sat there.
Jerry: Well, you made me uncomfortable.
Helen Seinfeld: You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something?