[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts. Any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organizer, Dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration. "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "All right, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."

Elaine: All right, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say?
Kramer: I know what I'm gonna say.
Elaine: No, no, but I would like to hear it.
Kramer: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed.