Elaine: Mr. Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.
J. Peterman: Oh, it's just a place to flop.
Elaine: Well, what part of your life do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalog ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life.
Elaine: Oh.
J. Peterman: [turns on TV] Oh, damn. They changed the cable stations again. Just when I finally memorized them.

Jerry: Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?
Ellen: No, this is brand new. Do you like it?
Jerry: Actually, yeah. [pause] Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?!
Ellen: No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one.
Jerry: I guess that's all right.
Ellen: Is something wrong, Jerry?
Jerry: No, absolutely nothing. [they get up to leave] You're fantastic.

George: Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce you to the first Susan Ross scholar. This is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0. Right in that meaty part of the curve. Not showing off, not falling behind.
Wyck: George, the qualifications for this scholarship were supposed to be largely academic.
George: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.
Wyck: These aren't standardized tests. These are his grades.

Kramer: And they made it their sign, because Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired.
J. Peterman: [laughs] Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn. [hands Kramer a check]
Kramer: You know, if you like that one, I got more. What are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventure? .. Erotica? [clicks tongue]
Elaine: No, uh, Kramer. I don't think-
J. Peterman: How much would you take for the whole lot?
Kramer: My whole lot?
J. Peterman: Name your price, man!
Kramer: $1500.
J. Peterman: I'll give you half that.
Kramer: Done!
J. Peterman: Kramer, my friend, consider Elaine at your disposal.
Kramer: Okay. [to Elaine] Well, I, uh.. I like to work in the evenings.

Elaine: Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?!
Kramer: Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store.
Elaine: What happened to Bob Saccamano?
Kramer: Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.
Elaine: All right, well, now that's something..
Kramer: Well, I don't know if I lost track of time or what, but the next thing I knew..
Elaine: A train is bearing down on you?!
Kramer: No, I slipped and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return.
Elaine: I don't understand. You were wearing the pants you were returning?
Kramer: Well, I guess I was.
Elaine: What were you gonna wear on the way back?
Kramer: Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there!

Jerry: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?
George: I was betrayed. That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father and my father's father before him.
Jerry: You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field.

Jerry: Who is the last president to have a beard?
George: Nixon.
Jerry: No, I mean a real thick beard.
George: His was thick.
Jerry: No, I mean like a full, long beard, like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
George: Falkmore.
Jerry: Who?
George: Artemis N. Falkmore.
Jerry: You made that up, right?
George: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name?
Jerry: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard.
George: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurities. It's classic male overcompensation.
Jerry: Are you wearing lifts in those shoes?
George: Cab!

Member #2: The next one, or you're meat.
George: All right, all right!
[As George turns the corner, he runs into Jerry's parents]
George: Seinfelds!
Morty Seinfeld: Hey, George.
George: Shh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later.
Morty Seinfeld: How are your folks?
George: Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch. You don't want to know. [shouts] Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street!
Morty Seinfeld: What did you say?
George: Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!
Helen Seinfeld: You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.
George: Please, please, they're gonna hit me!
[George tries to grab Helen's bag, but she fights him for it]
Morty Seinfeld: Tell your parents we said, 'Hi.'

George: She went out with you on a first date, and it was her birthday?
Jerry: Yeah. And she picked the day!
George: Is she socially awkward?
Jerry: No, she's great! She's attractive and fun.
George: Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.
Jerry: She's not Lincoln.

Student #1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test.
George: Quick, what's your favorite animal?
Student #1: I.. I don't know.. frog?
George: A frog?
Student #1: Well, I.. I..
George: Frog is wrong.