George: Hey, I think I may have found someone for the scholarship.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers, and finally, this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy, likes sports, watches TV.
Jerry: Is he smart?
George: He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this. He's into architecture.
Jerry: Hey, just like you pretend to be.
George: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.

George: So, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club.
Steven: State champs.
George: Who's your favorite chess player?
Steven: [mumbles] Nastercoff?
George: Right. [mumbles] Nastercoff. What country is he from, again?
Steven: [sighs] I don't know. I made it up. [gets up to leave] I'm never gonna get this thing.
George: [gets up] Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! Come on, sit down. What do you want to do when you grow up?
Steven: I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect.

J. Peterman: [answers phone] Peterman, here.
Kramer: Mr. Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back.
J. Peterman: You want to know something? I no longer need them.
Elaine: No, no. Mr. Peterman, why don't we keep them as a, as a reference?
J. Peterman: Nonsense. [to Kramer] I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond!
Kramer: Yippie-yi-yay!
J. Peterman: [hangs up] There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades, feel free to toss yourself in the mix.

Jerry: I'm not buying any of this.
Kramer: All right, so what are you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you.
Jerry: You know, this is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same but everyone else is different!
Kramer: Which one?
Jerry: They were all like that.

Elaine: Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter?
J. Peterman: Well, it started out nicely. "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem... "I set off down a train tunnel.". But that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn.
Elaine: Oh, no, no. That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The- The train is bearing down on you... You dive into a side tunnel and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!
J. Peterman: It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I know. Um, how about if, instead of diving from the train, you... Uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and ruin your pants?
J. Peterman: The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing!

George: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be... an architect.
Wyck: Is that right?
Steven: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.
George: [laughs] Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.
Steven: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. [sits down] Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city?
Wyck: Well, that's a good point.
George: No, it's not.
Steven: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? [laughs]
George: It's called a T-square.

Elaine: Well, I- I got to tell you, Mr. Peterman. I don't think I see a whole book here.
J. Peterman: Well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?
Elaine: You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys?
J. Peterman: You don't say.
Elaine: Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign.
J. Peterman: Well, that's pretty exciting. Let's put that in the book.
Elaine: But, that didn't happen to you.
J. Peterman: Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.
Elaine: No, I- I really don't think you can do that.
J. Peterman: Oh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again. I'll bet I got a coupon for it.
Elaine: You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.

Ellen: So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live.
Jerry: So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest, and you're going 10, 9, 8... I told you this thing was good!

George: I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross scholarship.
Jerry: Does it ever bother you that this organization-
George: Nope!
Jerry: ...is beating the bushes-
George: Nope.
Jerry: ...to basically give this money away-
George: No!
Jerry: ...to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?
George: I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine, I say! [exits]

Kramer: All right, so there I am at Lorenzo's, loading up my slice of the fixin's bar, garlic and what-not... And I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. So I give him the crook-eye back, you know. Then, I notice that he's not alone. I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!
Jerry: The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, and they're just as mean as he was. So, I make a move to the door, you know... they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. I grab the knob... Occupado! Then they back me up against the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker. Yeah, like this. I'm only showing eight fingers.
Jerry: Well, what does that mean?
Kramer: That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was the eighth President. They thought I was a former Van B. Boy!
Jerry: Wow. How was the pizza?
Kramer: It was a little oily.