George: I see here that you play the harp. Tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble.
Student #2: Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years-
George: Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know.

Elaine: [on the phone] So, get this. Mr. Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it.
Jerry: Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it.

Jerry: They acted like it was some act of charity just going out with her.
George: So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of. Like us with Elaine.
[Jerry thinks about that for a moment and shakes it off]
Jerry: There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.
George: Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?
Jerry: No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can.
George: Well, stick with it.

Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

Kramer: All right, next story..
Elaine: All right, I think I got enough for one day.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, chew on that.
Elaine: Yeah, I'll chew on that.
Kramer: Oh, hey, listen. By the way, I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn.
Elaine: Oh, thanks. I've got plans.
Kramer: Elaine, you should be there to document it.
Elaine: Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?
Kramer: Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the people a chance to loosen up.

George: Jerry, this whole Ellen situation has gone far enough.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Jerry, she's a loser.
Jerry: Where is this coming from? She's great.
George: Why are you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things are going to pick up.
Jerry: There's nothing wrong with my career.
Kramer: Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him.
George: I thought we said we weren't going to discuss that now.
Kramer: Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider.
George: Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time!
Kramer: Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.

Steven: Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mr. Costanza?
George: Well, Steven, I, uh...
[A mob forms behind Steven]
Steven: These are my new friends, The Van Buren Boys.
Man: He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.
George: Oh, nice.
Steven: I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner.
George: What about architect, Steven?
Man: [moves threateningly towards George] City planner.

Man: Hey, Kramer, Ramirez has never heard your pants story.
Kramer: Okay. Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I-
Elaine: You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman.
Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine: You signed the release.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: He sat in mud. Not you.
Kramer: But I did sit in mud.
Elaine: You didn't! You never sat in mud!
Kramer: I was all dirty!
Elaine: It never happened! Understand?
[Kramer's friends get restless and beg for the rest of the story]
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! [laughs]

Kramer: Kramer. Kramer, I got big trouble with the- with the Van Buren Boys.
Kramer: Hey, now, they're tough cookies.
George: Yeah, and I- I heard you got on their good side. Now, what did you do?
Kramer: Uh... [looks at Elaine] Oh, nothing. Nothing. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying.
George: Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?!
Kramer: Yeah, well, uh.. You know, uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys they never hassle their own kind.
George: You mean, like, a former member?
[Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer]

Elaine: These Kramer stories are unusable. I mean, some of them aren't even stories. Look, this is a list of things in his apartment.
Jerry: Is my toaster oven on there?