George: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
Carol: You do not.
George: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

Jerry: I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial.
Elaine: I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough.
Jerry: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?
Elaine: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there. They were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people. Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there... "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like, "'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?" And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking "What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?"

Jerry: You're still thinking about this?
George: She invites me up at twelve o'clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me.
Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.
George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee. Coffee is sex.
Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.
George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o'clock at night.
Elaine: Well, some people drink coffee that late.
George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who are on twenty-four hour missile watch.

George: Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I was funny. I kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great."
Elaine: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.
George: I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.
Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.
George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, [goofy voice] "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see needy. They want a take-charge guy; a colonel, a kaiser, a tsar.
Elaine: All she'll think is that you like her.
George: That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Elaine: She wants you to like her.
George: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me!
Elaine: I don't know what your parents did to you.

Kramer: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. All right, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sausages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it?
Jerry: I don't think so.
Kramer: It's funny.
Elaine: It is funny.
Jerry: I like to do my own material.
Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" ... "I told him!"

George: So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there. Like, remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.

George: So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss.
Jerry: He said wuss?
George: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
Jerry: So you called?
George: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.
Jerry: Yeah, like a farm boy.
George: Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an enthusiastic 'Hi!'
Jerry: Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.
George: Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there.