George: [on the phone] Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, hi, it's George Costanza. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago. Yeah, I was just calling 'cause I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore. Well, she died. Toxic glue from the wedding invitations. Well, we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah. Anyway, I got the funeral tomorrow but, my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... [dial tone] Hello? Hello?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think that if the wedding invitations were left up to the men, we'd just drive around sticking flyers in windshields, you know. Not even typed up either, just Magic Marker, Xerox, you know... "Party." What's needed is a divorce announcement. "Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson are requesting the honor of your presence at the 'returning' of their daughter back to Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson."

Clerk: When's the wedding?
Susan Ross: June
George: Late June.
Clerk: Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick from. They're arranged in order of price. The most expensive are in the front.
[George opens the binder and jumps straight to the back pages.]
George: Hmm. Hmm. I don't know. What about this one?
Clerk: Hmm. To tell you the truth they haven't manufactured that one for a number of years. I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey. I'd have to check.
Susan Ross: Oh, no. George that's so ugly we don't want that.
George: What's the difference? Jou just read it and mail it right back. These will do.
Susan Ross: Why don't they make 'em anymore?
Clerk: Well, for one thing the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick.
George: So we pick up some Elmer's.
Susan Ross: All right. Do you see what I do for you.

George: Hey, Kramer.
Kramer: Hey, George... Lily.
Susan Ross: No. Susan.
Kramer: No, no. It's Lily.
Susan Ross: I think I know my own name.
George: It's Susan.
Kramer: Well... You look like a Lily.

Elaine: Hey. Hey, Georgie. You know what I just realized? The wedding is like a month away. [laughs]
Jerry: Uh, Elaine.
Elaine: What? Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party?
George: What do you mean?
Elaine: Well, Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher. So what am I gonna be?
George: I don't know. I don't think you're anything.
Elaine: Well, I have to be something. I'm a close friend. What about being a bridesmaid?
George: Those are Susan's friends.
Elaine: Well then, how about being an usher?
George: Okay, I'll ask Susan about it later.
Elaine: You don't ask. You tell.

George: What about the letter? Should I think about the letter?
Jerry: Hey, Elaine, if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you. What could he do?
Elaine: Start smoking.
George: Smoking.
Jerry: Does she hate cigarettes?
George: Yes, she hates cigarettes.
Jerry: But you don't smoke.
George: No...

Jerry: You know, I think I'm starting to get a little depressed about George's wedding.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yeah. Well, once he gets married, that's it. She'll probably get pregnant. They'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again.
Elaine: Yeah, you're probably right.
Jerry: Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer.
Elaine: No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.
Jerry: So it's just gonna be me and Kramer?
Elaine: Yep, just you and Kramer.

George: Listen, I was talking to Elaine today and she said that she would really like to be an usher at the wedding
Susan Ross: No. Out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding. And while we're on the subject, Kramer is not an usher either.
George: Why not?
Susan Ross: He doesn't even know my name.
George: That was an honest mistake.
Susan Ross: Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony.

Susan Ross: What are you doing?
[George shrugs and lights up the cigarette]
Susan Ross: Since when do you smoke?
George: [coughs] I've always smoked.
Susan Ross: I've never seen you smoke.
George: Oh, yeah. Well, big smoker. I gave it up for a while but it was too tough. You know, I got no will power.
Susan Ross: I don't like this one bit.
George: Well, [coughs] I can't stop now. [coughs] I'm addicted. [barely able to talk] They've got a hold on me!
Susan Ross: Well, you are gonna have to quit.
George: Oh, God. [rushes to the bathroom]

Waitress: Menus?
Jerry: No. I know what I want.
Waitress: The usual?
Jerry: Yeah.
Waitress: And for you?
Jeannie: I'll have a bowl of Cheerios, not too much milk.
Waitress: Okay, two bowls of Cheerios.
Jeannie: You too?
Jerry: Yeah.