Jerry: Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
Mr. Green: Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.
Jerry: [steps aside] All right. All right. [as the man walks away] You think you're better than me?

George: Well, you've scared her off. We may never see Mom again.
Frank Costanza: Hey George, what do you like better? The Bro, or the Mansiere?
George: Dad. We need to talk.

Mrs. Payton: I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch robbery.
Elaine: Oh really? The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman say?
Mrs. Payton: He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.
Elaine: Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?
Doorman: Well, what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package at the exact same time the couch was stolen.
Elaine: [frantic] He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know how to do it. You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know how to do anything. Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mind games.

George: Jerry took the couch back.
Frank Costanza: He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it?
George: Oh, I pleaded with him.
Frank Costanza: Where am I supposed to sleep?
George: Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. Mom's coming to get you.
Kramer: I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?
Frank Costanza: What stain?
Kramer: Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.
Frank Costanza: You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?
George: No, no, no, no. The cushion was turned over.
Frank Costanza: But, the very idea. You had me lying in urine!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike? They have a union in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now you would think, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen. "Let's see how they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in. It's, you know... Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? "We demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!"

Doorman: Whoa, whoa, whoa. May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.
Doorman: Benes? No-one here by that name.
Jerry: Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.
Doorman: Oh. House-sitting, mmm.
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: What are you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?
Jerry: Can I just go up?
Doorman: Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.

[Jerry breaks the silence as he awkwardly waits for the elevator]
Jerry: How 'bout those Knicks?
Doorman: Oh, I see. On the sports page.
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

Kramer: So, you think your parents will get back together?
George: I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.

Kramer: Hey, George, stick 'em up.
George: What?
Kramer: For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.
George: Why?
Kramer: So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.
Kramer: All right, hands up, porky! That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy! Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!
George: All right, that's enough.
Kramer: I'll tell you when it's enough! All right, now you better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!

Elaine: Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.
Jerry: I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.
Elaine: What guy?
Jerry: The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mind games. What time does he get off?
Elaine: Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. Whugh! [laughs]
Jerry: Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home? We'll still make the movie.
Elaine: Okay, okay.