Sally Weaver: Thank you. Hi. I think you're really gonna like this because it's about me. Well, all right, it's not just about me. It's about me, and this guy, Jerry Seinfeld, who I like to call the devil. Okay, okay. So I run into this Jerry on the street and then he says to me: "Hey, Sally, you stink. You should give up acting." Oh, I'm doing Jerry now, okay? So you have to imagine I have horns, a tail and hooves instead of feet. You know what I mean, that guy?
Kramer: [laughs]
Jerry: Oh, shut up.

Elaine: She does a full hour about how you're the devil? I gotta go see this thing.
Jerry: Good luck. It's sold out for the next three weeks.
Elaine: Well, I bet I can get in, once I mention I'm from The New Yorker.
Jerry: The New Yorker?
Elaine: Yes. The New Yorker. I met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon made no sense.
Jerry: Wow, good work, Nancy Drew.
Elaine: So we ended up going out to lunch, and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.
Jerry: Nodding off.
Elaine: And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
Jerry: Wow, that's incredible, but you don't draw.
Elaine: I do too.
Jerry: What, your sad little horsies? The house with the little curl of smoke. The sunflower with the smiley face. The transparent cube.
Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private.

Sally Weaver: Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show, isn't that great? Do you hate me?
Jerry: No, no, I thought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.
Sally Weaver: Well, that is the title.
Jerry: I know, but I thought maybe you could mention how I apologized and encouraged you to stick with it?
Sally Weaver: You know, I workshopped that and snoozers. But I'll tell you what, I'll tinker. It's all a journey.
Jerry: Thanks. You got a little schmutz there.

Elaine: Check it out. From the new issue of The New Yorker. It's funny, isn't it?
Dugan: No.
Elaine: Look at it. The pig wants to be taller. And what's this guy gonna say, huh? Nothing.

J. Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.
Elaine: Can I fix that after lunch, sir?
J. Peterman: Oh, no, right away. Chop-chop. Ooh, a new cartoon. "I wish I was taller." [laughs] I'd like to see that complaint get rectified.
Elaine: You see? See? Smart people think this is funny. And you wanna know why? Because I wrote it.
Dugan: You shouldn't make fun of pigs.

George: This relationship, it's got to be about something. And fast, or I am in very serious and weird trouble. What else happened?
Janet: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.
George: All right. Yes. Gum. Good enough. I'll take it.
Janet: I like gum.
George: I do too. You see, that's what we're about. You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.
Janet: I have gum in my hair.
George: Oh, I'm losing it.

Sally Weaver: Hey, you're Jerry's friend. You're kooky. Mind if I sit? My show is going well. Have you seen it yet? You should. Everybody else in town has. Oh, you know what, I got recognized the other day. How weird is that? I know. At first I liked the attention. But after a while it's like, "Whoa, take three steps back. Get a life," okay? Of course, there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, you know what I mean? But who am I, anyway? I mean, there's Sally Weaver the woman. Sally Weaver the artist. Sally Weaver...
Kramer: You know, you've gotta shut up. I'm sorry. I haven't spoken in days.
Sally Weaver: Well, lay it on me, string bean.

Jerry: You ripped off a "Ziggy"?
Elaine: It must have seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has "Ziggy" bed sheets. Did you read the comics today?
Jerry: Oh, I see Ziggy's back at the complaint department. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." [chuckles] See, that's funny... because it's real.

Elaine: Hey, lookit. Sally's cable show's on.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, come on in. You gotta watch this. This'll be funny. Now, she's got nothing.
Sally Weaver: [on TV] Master of evil, Jerry Seinfeld, broke off all contact with me.
Jerry: That's right, sister. Why don't you just give up?
Elaine: Why are you yelling at the TV?
Sally Weaver: [on TV] Okay, get this. I heard he makes his best friend date women who look just like him. Hello? Issues.
Jerry: Elaine, have you been talking to her?
Elaine: Hey, I'm just a fan.
Sally Weaver: Oh, and speaking of issues, guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor
not to tell anyone.
Jerry: [to Kramer] I thought you stopped talking.
Kramer: All right, starting now.

Sally Weaver: [on TV] "to cease and desist, on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld." Signed, crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's lawyer. Okay. Well, I've got two words for you, Jerry Seinfeld: [beep] you.
Jerry: How could she say that on TV? And how did she get a cable special? I've never gotten a cable special. Well, that's it. I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. Exactly.