Jerry: Where is your key?
Kramer: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's- He's got it.
Jerry: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you.
Kramer: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman.
Jerry: [opens the unit] Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?
Kramer: Evidently.

Elaine: [inner monologue] Where is this guy?! I hate this! I should have brought something to read... [reads sugar packet] "Cancer in laboratory animals". Huh.
Waiter: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?
Elaine: Yeah?
Waiter: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. He's been stabbed.
Elaine: Stabbed?!
Waiter: More bread?

Elaine: I love shrimp. [waves her knife around while she's talking] I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp in front of me, and I will eat it until my stomach pops. [notices Alan's unsettled] Oh.
Alan: No, it's okay. I'm still just a little bit jumpy.
Elaine: Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing?
Alan: Just one of those things, you know.
Elaine: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?
Alan: I don't know. Could be.
[As a woman walks by, she stops at Elaine and Alan's table]
Carol: Alan?!
Alan: Carol?
[Carol grabs his hot coffee and throws it in his face before storming off.]
Elaine: Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!
Alan: No, that was a different girl.

Jerry: There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
Elaine: Right, so, I called my friend, you know, the one who set us up. I found out he's a bad-breaker-upper.
Jerry: Bad how?
Elaine: Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.
Jerry: I follow. So what are you gonna do?
Elaine: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Jerry: What's more important?

Vet: What are the symptoms?
Kramer: Well, uh, it hurts when he swallows. Especially when he drinks orange juice. [off the vet's look] I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. What's worse, he has a nagging cough. [Smuckers coughs] Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Vet: Yeah, well, uh, we've been seeing a lot of this lately. Been drinking from the toilet?
Kramer: What? No! That's disgusting.

Alan: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?
Elaine: What? Break-up? We went out on one date.
Alan: Okay, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.
Elaine: All right, good. Good.
Alan: Okay, then, well, So, see you around. Big head.
Elaine: Pardon?
Alan: You got a big head. It's too big for your body.
Elaine: [laughs] That's it?! [laughs] That's the best you got?!

Elaine: Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He called me "big head".
Jerry: "Big head"? That's almost a compliment.
Elaine: It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

Jerry: What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? These are dog pills!
Kramer: We have the same symptoms.
Jerry: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.
Kramer: No, no. No doctors.

Kramer: Where are you going?
Jerry: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?
Kramer: I don't know.
Jerry: Come mon, you wanna go for a ride? [jiggles metal keys] Huh? Come on! Come on!
[An excited Kramer jumps up and runs out of the apartment]

Kramer: I don't see any tissues back here. Wait a minute! This isn't the way to the park. Where are we going? I recognize this block. You're taking me to the doctor!