George: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though. Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
Jerry: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the astonishing tales of Costanza.
George: I should!
Jerry: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
George: I could go bumper-to-bumper with any one else on this planet!
Jerry: You're the man!

Newman: I need that mail, where is it?!
Jerry: What's the difference?
Newman: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogs. I got to deliver that mail.
Jerry: Well, go ahead. There's eight bags of it.
Newman: Blast. There's no way I can handle eight in addition to my usual load of one. I'll never get to Hawaii. I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever. [lays on Jerry's couch] The dream is dead.
Jerry: You're giving up that easy?
Newman: I usually do. [gets up to leave] See you.
Jerry: No, wait a minute, Newman. You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!
Newman: What are you proposing?
Jerry: Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!
Newman: An alliance?
Jerry: An alliance. [they shake hands and laugh] Now get the hell out of here.

Jerry: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend".
Newman: "Do not bend". [laughs evilly] Just crease, crumple, cram... you'll do fine.

Newman: That was the vice president of the post office. I didn't get the transfer. They knew it wasn't me doing my route.
Jerry: How did they know?!
Newman: Too many people go their mail. Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier. It's like the 3-minute mile!
Jerry: I tried my best.
Newman: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. [takes Jerry's hat and rips the USPS badge off]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: Damn!

George: Hey, Georgie's moving out!
Jerry: Get out.
George: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.
Jerry: Is it better than mine?
George: Oh, yeah.
Jerry: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-you?

Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. [clicks tongue]
George: How do you know?
Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales of the Sea". 51 people died.
George: 51 people?!
Kramer: That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!
Kramer: There were 1,650 survivors.
George: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book?
Kramer: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks".

Elaine: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?
Jerry: Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys.

Jerry: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? [notices the ice pack] What happened?
Newman: Kramer bit me!
Jerry: Bit you?!
Newman: We had an argument about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hobbled! I don't think I can do my route, and they're awarding the transfer in two days!
Jerry: Well, what if I deliver it?
Newman: You?! [laughs hystericlaly] You can't deliver mail!
Jerry: Well, why not?
Newman: ... I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..
Jerry: Well, what am I gonna wear?
Newman: I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman.

George: You know what? It's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call.
Jerry: She's out.
George: Oh right, the blind date.
Jerry: Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.

George: Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes.
Jerry: I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.
George: Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet.
Jerry: Oh, this is really annoying.
George: [laughs] It's working already!