‘My Screw Up’
Season 3, Episode 14 - Aired February 24, 2004
Ahead of Jack's first birthday, Ben (Brendan Fraser) is in town. Dr. Cox is angry that he hasn't seen Ben in two years, and that Ben hasn't seen a doctor since his leukemia went into remission. Carla tells Turk she'll only take his last name if he has his mole removed. Dr. Kelso doggedly tries to avoid listening to his employees' problems. Meanwhile, J.D. is worried about a patient with an irregular heartbeat.
Quote from Turk
Dr. Green: Okay. So who wants what bigger or smaller?
Carla: My fiance would like to have his mole removed.
Dr. Green: That? That's cute. It's like a tickle button.
Turk: No, it's not. It needs to go away.
Dr. Green: Alright, I'll scrape it away and we'll cover it with skin from the back of your upper thigh.
[later:]
J.D.: So you'd be a butt face.
Elliot: That'd be a funny nickname.
Turk: No, it wouldn't.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: I tell you what, nothing says "good morning" like a drunken human alarm clock. [yawns]
Carla: Hey, you've been here for 60 straight hours. You need to go home.
Dr. Cox: You know what I need? I need people to stop telling me what I should do.
Carla: Fine.
Ben: You know what you should do?
Dr. Cox: Why are you here?
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: Dr. Cox. Can I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox: Hey, Val, you know- You know what's funny? Ever since I started taking care of your patients, not one of them has died.
J.D.: Look, you wanna be mad at me, that's fine. I get it. But Jordan called, she wants to make sure you show this afternoon.
Ben: Oh, right. That's this afternoon. Put us down for Ben plus one.
Dr. Cox: I'm not going anywhere, so beat it.
Quote from J.D.
Turk: You guys, I don't want to do this.
Elliot: No one's gonna call you names.
Turk: I know, but-
J.D.: Face! Butt-face.
Quote from J.D.
Turk: Listen, my butt is fabulous. A slice of that up here, you see that's just me spreading the wealth. Still, my mole is a part of my identity and I need you guys to convince Carla to get me out of this.
Turk: I can't, I got things to do.
Elliot: Like what? Dr. Cox took all your patients.
[fantasy: J.D. playing poker with the one-handed security guard:]
Leonard: Gin.
J.D.: Dammit. Nice hand. I meant the cards.
[reality:]
J.D.: I gotta win my money back from Leonard. You know, the guy with the giant afro.
Quote from Turk
Turk: Alright, I'm gonna get right to it. You tell Carla my mole's inoperable, I will pay you ten thousand dollars.
Carla: Turk, I don't want you to do this.
Dr. Green: The mole's inoperable.
Turk: Deal's off.
Quote from Elliot
Dr. Green: Oh, great, an open surgery slot just going to waste.
Elliot: Not necessarily. [Elliot takes her sock off] Look at this.
Dr. Green: [gasps]
[The nurse faints]
Elliot: Oh.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Those are the most ridiculous things I've ever seen.
J.D.: You know, you're right. I was an idiot to buy these shower shorts. I mean, it's not like they come with a complimentary shower wallet. [smack] Ow.
Dr. Cox: Look, I just wanted to say that what happened, it wasn't your fault and I'm sorry.
J.D.: Thanks. I really needed to hear that.
Ben: Good. Come on, let's get dressed and go.
Quote from Turk
J.D.: [v.o.] Or accepting someone you love just the way they are.
Turk: Can you tie my tie, Mrs. Espinosa?
[fantasy:]
Mole: Answer him!
Turk: [laughs] You just kissed my mole.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Well how come you don't have to get all dressed up?
Ben: I am dressed up. You see any holes in these pants?
Dr. Cox: No.