J.D.: [v.o.] "And the janitor will think of new ways to torture me."
Janitor: Hey, don't open your locker for the next couple of days.
J.D.: Why?
[fantasy: a short man in a karate robe jumps out of J.D.'s locker and punches him in the nuts]

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, all you need to break the pattern is for something shocking to happen. Like, say, Dr. Cox being in a good mood.
Dr. Cox: You know, pal, after three long years of watching you climb that transplant list, I finally have a liver with your name on it. Check Mr. Iverson into Sacred Heart for the last time, will ya?
J.D.: [v.o.] You see, when Dr. Cox is in a good mood, well, it flows out of him like a cool breeze that lifts the spirits of everyone it touches.
Dr. Cox: [Scottish accent] Oh, it's gon'ta be a great day!

Ted: [stepping back from the ledge] Not today! Life's too good!
Dr. Kelso: Chicken.

Turk: I would love to hear what you have to say.
Dr. Cox: I don't think so, there, bowling ball.
Turk: Well, you might as well spill it, Carla tells me everything. Except, of course, about that curling iron you have in your locker. It slipped! [whirrs] It's back! Look, if it makes it easier, you can just pretend I'm Carla.
Dr. Cox: I can totally do this. Carla!
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: I think that your fiance is a self-involved, bobble-headed jock itch who is not good enough for you. Not now, not ever.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always hard to work with terminally ill patients.
Carla: Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
Maggie: Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through sixty pages so quickly?
Ted: Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not really know what you're doing.
Maggie: Stop it, Ted! You're a great lawyer.
Ted: Oh, I love her.

Turk: How'd you get Dr. Cox to like you?
J.D.: Dr. Cox said he liked me!?
Turk: No, you're missing the point.
J.D.: I need to know three things immediately: Where was he when he said it? What inflection did he use? And had he been drinking? You know what, I don't care about the third one. Sometimes when you've been drinking you're the most truthful.

Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and pass, and here's why: You're a typical surgeon, and as a rule you guys are insensitive and egotistical and you have the sense of humor of about a fourth grader.
Turk: That's just not true.
Todd: Who wants to touch my giant balls?

J.D.: Well, your kidneys healed up enough to release you, but no sparring in karate class for two months.
Randall: Two months!? That's a real punch in the crotch!
J.D.: Randall, could you stop using that expression? Because I can't get it out of my head.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what, you're all set. Some peon from surgery's gonna come down here and do your pre-op and then you're good to go.
Turk: Room service. Who ordered the liver?
Dr. Cox: Jackass!
Turk: Bite me. [to Mr. Iverson] Great guy.

Dr. Cox: Hey, uh Real sorry about the whole mom situation, there.
Ted: She has cold toes.
Dr. Cox: Aw, Ted, don't be that guy!
Ted: What guy? What guy?