Elliot: This is so exciting. The closest I've ever come to breaking the law was in sixth grade, when Alex Peterson sold his mom's Virginia Slims out of his guest house.
Carla: Wow. Was he a Blood or a Crip?
Elliot: He was Lutheran.

Turk: Now, even though I won't be performing the transplant, I am a key member of the surgical team. It's too complicated to explain what it is I do, but in layman's terms I I guess you'd call it "watching."
Mr. Iverson: Could you excuse me one second?
Turk: Sure.
Mr. Iverson: [snores]
Dr. Cox: [laughs] I taught him that! Well struck, Barry.

Dr. Cox: Look. Barry... Barry's, he's a great guy.
Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking, unless Cox says you're a great guy.
Dr. Cox: Come on, pally, guy's been on the transplant list for three stinkin' years, this is a no-brainer.
Turk: You're right. He's out.

J.D.: [v.o.] All right, you're just gonna have to tell her she can't move in. It's no big deal, it's not like she has the keys yet. [screams] God, I'm horrible at giving bad news! Wait a sec, I'm a doctor, I give bad news all the time. Just like I did with Mr. Clark this morning. Who does his daughter always remind me of? Molly Ringwald! Heh. Man, she was good in The Breakfast Club. I should rent that again. Come on, focus! You have to tell her! God, I need something to get me out of it! Anything!
J.D.: [answers hospital phone] Hello Yes, this is J.D.! I'd love to pick you up at jail!

Elliot: Slim, what are you in for?
Man: Robbery.
Elliot: Prostitution.
Carla: Would you please stop enjoying this so much?
Elliot: Photo-op! Slammer!

J.D.: Kon'nichiwa! So who wants to tell me what happened? Lucy? Ethel?

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey Dr. Turk, you old Turtle-headed pain in the ass. Aw, dammit all, Perry, that is so not what you came down here to say. Now you're better than that. Turn the car around.

Elliot: Mm, it's so nice to have real food again.
Carla: Elliot, they didn't even feed us.

Elliot: I can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman.
Carla: Same job, different outfit.
Elliot: Pfft, true dat!
Carla: Elliot!, you ain't as ghetto as ya think y'are, 'kay?

Dr. Cox: You got big plans for tonight?
Carla: [holding a pack of toilet paper] Oh, it's Turk's stupid rule. I don't wanna talk about it. Hey, you never told me what you really think of Turk.
Dr. Cox: He is a complete tool. But I suppose you could do a lot worse.
Carla: Thanks.