Dr. Cox: This is gonna cost you.
Turk: Get off my back, I'm not in the mood.
[J.D. carries Turk out of the hospital and to a bar, where Carla is already seated:]
J.D.: Oh, say it again.
Turk: Get off my back, I'm not in the mood?
J.D.: That's what she said! Zoom, zoom, zoom!

Dr. Cox: I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or skip the middleman and actually give him narcotics. So I went ahead and brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich. It's not heroin, it's smoked turkey.
Jordan: So you thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit, is that it?
Carla: So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you. Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.
Nurse Roberts: When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids. Last time I ever saw that IROC.
Turk: Remember that Meningitis patient who stole your identity?
J.D.: Darryl, he's cool. From now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies.
Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan: Oh, my God! You actually did something nice for me.
Dr. Cox: No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me.
Jordan: Cute.

Turk: How do I know that guy?
Dr. Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Turk: Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay. Wow, that's good.
Dr. Cox: I'm tired. Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association, and he's here to remove your goatee.

Elliot: Not everyone was in hell at their job. In fact, there was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital: Charlie, her co-fellow.
[Charlie hangs down from the ceiling as the elevator door closes. Elliot screams. When the doors reopen, Elliot has coffee down her top.]
Elliot: Good morning, Charlie.
Charlie: You wanna work on osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?
Elliot: Charlie, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you when you popped out of that HAZMAT bin: I work alone, and you have somebody else's blood on your neck. Take a shower, man.
Charlie: Fine. I'll just go.
[As Charlie walks away, Elliot turns around. Elliot screams when she sees Charlie in front of her once again.]
Charlie: Yes! That is an intern in a bald cap.
Elliot: I hate ya, Charlie.

J.D.: Hippocratic oath on three! One, two, three!
All: "First do no harm"!
J.D.: There it is. All right, kick some ass today, guys. Except for Mr. Woodson in 302. He's got that rectal tear.

Dr. Kelso: You seem to be developing a rapport with your interns.
J.D.: We even spent this weekend building a house for the homeless.
Dr. Kelso: How'd that go?
[flashback to a construction site: Rex playfully flicks paint at J.D. J.D. then uses a buzz-saw to cut off Rex's tie.
Rex. When J.D. looks back, Rex is bleeding from a deep, horizontal cut right across his chest.]
J.D.: In my defense, who wears a tie to a construction site?

Dr. Cox: I believe in team-building. And I'd make my interns agree with me, but they're in a timeout because one of them used the phrase, "Let's rock and roll."
Dr. Kelso: Son, when you're an intern, you get treated like crap. And then when you're in a position of power, you do the same. It's inevitable, like the tide, or the awkward toast I'm going to have to give some day at my son's big gay wedding. Mark my words: Eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.
J.D.: Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight. I gotta rock and roll.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
J.D.: I'm an attending!
Dr. Cox: Tell it to the wall, Newbie!

J.D.: [chuckling] The answer's two.
Janitor: What?
J.D.: How many janitors does it take to change a light bulb? Two.
Janitor: That doesn't make any sense. Hank's an electrician. And you are not funny.
J.D.: I'm very funny. Earlier, I made a killer "one-pump mocha" joke. Everybody laughed.
Janitor: I bet that nobody laughed, but you didn't notice that 'cause you were busy doing that self-laugh thing you do when you think you're being funny.
[flashback:]
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? [chuckles]
[present:]
J.D.: [chuckles] Anyhoo, have a good one, Lurch.

J.D.: [v.o.] I had to skedaddle because today was burger day in the caf. And that meant one thing: 75 hungry employees, and one bottle of ketchup.

Carla: Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do? [zipping sounds]
Turk: Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor? Bite, please.
J.D.: Here it is.
Turk: Mmm.
J.D.: That's headed right to our joint colon!
Carla: Yeah, I think I've made my point.
J.D.: So tell me something, Carla, has she invited you to her new hospital, hmm? Victory sip!
Turk: Ah.