J.D.: Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes? Be honest. I promise, absolutely no ramifications.
Keith: Well, we've been kind of fake-laughing.
J.D.: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.
Keith: Look, your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.
J.D.: Unbelievable. From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes unless they're particularly hysterical. Talk about your Mission: Impossibles. [chuckles]
Janitor: Case closed.
J.D.: What is it with you and costumes today?
Janitor: I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.

Elliot: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because, well Look, there's so much great about you. You're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered my preconceived notions about Chicanos.
Carla: Elliot, bring it.
Elliot: You're a bit of a gossip.
Carla: So? I'm interested in people's stories.
Elliot: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
Carla: Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German.
Elliot: [German: "Don't make fun of my people, Carla."]

Fellowship Director: Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I. He basically cured the disease.
Elliot: How did he have time when he was torturing me?
Fellowship Director: Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter. Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.
Elliot: Frick. Frick, frick, frick, frick, frickety-frick-frick-frick. Frick.

J.D.: This is a little trust exercise that I really think's gonna connect us again. Remove your blindfolds, please. See your death. See your death. See your death. Keith. Don't worry, buddy, we're cool.
Keith: Really?
J.D.: No! See your death!
Keith: No! But I looked up to you!
[reality:]
J.D.: Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work? And for God sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria? Okay, enough waving. You wave too much. You abuse waving. Go.
Dr. Kelso: There it is, just like I said. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ahh.

Elliot: I can't believe I don't have a job. [packs away trophy]
Carla: Is that even yours?
Elliot: I need your support right now, Carla! Carla, you cannot tell Turk and J.D. about this until I get back on my feet.
Carla: Why? They'll just feel bad for you.
Elliot: No, they'll be merciless. Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.

Dr. Kelso: Where've you been?
Carla: Nowhere!
Dr. Mickhead: What're you doing?
Carla: Nothing!
Janitor: How's Blonde Doctor?
Carla: Jeez!
Nurse Roberts: What's the dish?
Carla: I gotta go.
Turk: Hey!
Carla: No hablo ingles.
Turk: My God, you got that little bit saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!

Jordan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Mr. Thompson: Hey, lamb chop. Crazy story. I was- I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you, but I, ahh, you know.
Dr. Kelso: [chuckles] Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist/drug addicts.
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton, you've dealt with him before. Why didn't you tell her?
Turk: 'cause he told me not to.

Elliot: OK, I'm sure you know about it. Go ahead, take your shots.
Turk: You've got bug eyes.
J.D.: Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.
Elliot: That's all that you have to say? Excuse us. Oh, my God! You kept a secret!
Carla: I know! I almost told them too, but I didn't because I love you.
Elliot: I love you too!
Carla: Oh, I- I had to tell Turk something, so you smoke a pipe now.
Elliot: Ah, coolio!

Carla: What's wrong?
Both: Well...
J.D.: We were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca, but Turk got on my case about my interns. He's mad because they're sucking up.
Turk: I was sayin', "That's the same thing you did with Dr. Cox."
J.D.: Know what? Put our right hand in front of your face. Now talk to it!

J.D.: [v.o.] I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.
Jason; Did we do something wrong, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You're doing a good job.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.
J.D.: You know what, I want the laughter back! [the interns laugh uproariously] And you know what, I liked it when you waved. That was nice. Why don't all of you just wave! All right.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ultimately, you can deal with anything, as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with you.
Jordan: Hey, guys. What's going on?
J.D.: [v.o.] I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own.
Elliot: Excuse me, can I please borrow your "Help Wanted" section? Thank you!