Carla: Turk, should I get a male stripper for Elliot's bachelorette party?
Dr. Kelso: Are you, uh, looking for a Caucasian boy or more exotic fare? What? Once spring rolls around, Enid gets a little randy, so I throw a twenty to Churro, our neighbor's Guatemalan house boy, to get in our basement and let Enid chase him around in a wheelchair until the juice runs out. Churro hates America.
Turk: Yeah, I wonder why.

Carla: Elliot, relax. This is your night. You get to make all the decisions. Now, all your friends are standing by. I have made reservations at four different restaurants. I booked a paintball field, four lanes at the bowling alley, and I made reservations at various gay dance clubs. You get to pick what we do, what we talk about, and at the end, Keith will show up to carry you out the door, reminding the rest of us that you are the one that's getting married.
Elliot: And what if I don't like the outfit that some of the girls are wearing?
Carla: Everyone's been told that they have to bring a bag of outfits.
Elliot: Is Ronni Eppolito coming?
Carla: Ronni is waiting at the next corner, and she has no idea why. If you want, we can pick her up. If not, we can fly right by.
Elliot: Carla, you're the most amazing friend ever!
Carla: Duck!
Elliot: I love you.
Carla: I love you, too.

Turk: Screw Hawaii. You know where you should go?
Carla: Turk, for the last time. There's no place called Kokomo.
Turk: Where'd the Beach Boys shoot the video, huh?

Dr. Cox: Listen, Newbie, having a kid changes the way you think about everything.
Turk: Hell, yeah, it does. Before Izzie was born if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash, you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not riskin' my health eatin' trash food. I mean, unless it's a corndog.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you procreated.

Dr. Cox: I know what Kim did to you was just crazy, but pregnant women are among a select group of people who are actually allowed to act insane. Much like sports mascots, local weathermen, theme park performers, and that guy with the question-mark jacket who teaches people how to get free money from the government. Besides, we're talking about your kid. I think we both know what you're gonna do.

J.D.: It's open, Kim.
Kim: J.D., what the hell? Okay, that one was a little excessive. I'm sorry. It's just that every time I think about running away, I look at the fat guy in the track suit with a giant rabbit head, and he doesn't say anything.
Kim: Okay, elaborating would help.
J.D.: He's my conscience! I realized that I'd listen to it more if I imagined something I was really afraid of. The track suit, because I had this mean Phys Ed teacher in high school named Mr. Fratelli, and the rabbit head, because my uncle once ate a rabbit and he got belly worms.
Kim: Look, I wanted to talk to you because, well, the baby's due in a month and I guess I was hoping that you'd want me to have it here, y' know, so that we could go through it together.
[When Kim turns around, J.D. is climbing out the window]
Kim: Really?
J.D.: I'm sorry, Kim. This is a big deal for me. I think I need to be alone right now.

J.D.: Thanks for being alone with me, Choco. So, what should I do?
Turk: Oh, that's a tough call. When it comes to babies, women are crazy. [Izzy is dressed in a basketball jersey] If you would please, can you hold her by that rim over there? Right? I'm gonna Photoshop a basketball into her hand and Photoshop you out! Everybody's gonna think my baby can dunk. Right? It's gonna be crazy!

J.D.: Mr. Fulton, the reason you're having chronic pain and trouble walking is you have peripheral arterial disease.
Mr. Fulton: How do you treat it?
J.D.: Well, that's why I brought in a surgical consult. Dr. Turk?
Turk: One second, please.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk liked patients to see him intensively studying their charts because he felt it instilled confidence. Only I knew the clipboard was blank.
Turk: Interesting stuff. We are gonna discuss some options and get back to you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Since Turk was a surgeon, he always had the same answer.
Turk: I'm slicin' that guy open.

J.D.: Vascular surgery on a guy his age?
Turk: Dude, I've done tons of these. And yes, there's a risk. But with this type of surgery, his quality of life would improve like that. I'm telling you, he could be playing tennis by the weekend.
J.D.: What do you think, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Let me phrase my response in the form of a riddle: What's black and white, and should never, ever, ever, be allowed inside of a hospital?
J.D.: Oh, is it Lloyd and Sharise? Because their PDA has gotten out of control.
Dr. Cox: And yet, you two still nauseate me more.

Carla: Speaking of which, I'm throwing you a bachelorette party.
Elliot: Carla!
Carla: I'm your maid of honor and you haven't let me do anything yet!.Since you've got engaged you've become much more of a control freak.
Elliot: Oh, I'm not that bad.
Carla: You wrote my wedding toast.
Elliot: Yeah, I just wanted to make sure there weren't any sex jokes in there, because my Grandma Lottie still thinks I'm a virgin, despite what was painted on our town's water tower.