J.D.: [v.o.] I think they sensed that my first date wasn't going perfectly, and even though I could smell face cake in the air, it was about to get worse.
Danni: Dr. Dorkian, I presume?
J.D.: [v.o.] The ex-girlfriend from hell. Get out! Get out before she sprays her toxic stink all over your new relationship.
J.D.: Danni, love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.
Steve: Hey, hey, you were gonna take me back to the underpass.
J.D.: After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

Dr. Cox: She's your nightmare sister. You take her out to dinner.
Jordan: I spent the whole day with her. She stole a sweater.
Danni: So what? You're the one wearing it. Now, let's go eat. I've had nothing all day except vodka and olives.

J.D.: So be honest. Is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?
Kylie: I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting. Being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.
J.D.: Say no more. Lonnie, shirt.
Lonnie: No!
J.D.: Don't make me say pants. I'll do it. [Lonnie removes his shirt and hands it to Kylie] Still tanning, I see.
Kylie: He's your bitch, isn't he?
J.D.: Yeah.
Kylie: That is so cute! I'll go change.

Elliot: So, Kylie looks like she's having fun.
J.D.: It's a front. She's miserable. So far, the highlight of the night's been putting a possum to sleep, and that's not a euphemism.

Kylie: So what first, doctor?
J.D.: Well, you need a chart.
Kylie: Lonnie, chart!
[Lonnie, now wearing a flowery shirt cut for a woman, hands Kylie his chart]
J.D.: You look ridiculous.
J.D.: [v.o.] Except for that glorious mustache.

Ted: Hey, Danni, what's shakin'? Turk and Carla's wedding, we made out.
Doug: So did we.
Danni: Was it at the same time? 'Cause I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings.
Dr. Cox: Leaving. Good show, fellas.
Danni: Wait for me, Perr-Perr.

Turk: I'm bored. I'm a surgeon, and there's no surgery.
Carla: Why do you think I brought you in here? We're short-handed. Mr. Dempsey needs his bedsores redressed.
Turk: Baby, that's a nurse stuff, I don't have the expertise.
Carla: Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.
Turk: I know, I just think-
Carla: I knew you thought that. I knew it!
Turk: You tricked me.

Dr. Cox: So, nurse Ghandirilla, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths, happy ending optional. His choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.

J.D.: Come on, Steve. Stay with me, buddy! You're not getting this one, Lord! [quietly] Could you make your face a little bit redder, buddy? Come on.
Steve: I want more money.
J.D.: What?
Steve: 50 bucks or I tell the girl.
J.D.: I don't have it!
Steve: Get it!
J.D.: Elliot, I need another doctor over here, stat! Gimme $30.
Elliot: I gave you 20. I'm tapped. Ask Johnson. He's loaded. I need a dermatologist over here, stat!
Dr. Johnson: Oh, yeah! Time to shine. What do you need? Is it a rash?
J.D.: Look, I paid this guy to fake a heart attack. He wants 50 bucks. We only have 20.
Dr. Johnson: You know, I feel like you guys just use me for my money.
J.D.: You have a trust fund! Now give me the money! Clear! [uses paddles]
Steve: I'm alive!
J.D.: J.D., one. Lord, zero.

J.D.: [v.o.] Just like that, love was in the air. It was as if our first date got other people talking about some of theirs.
Elliot: I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face. After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough!" You know?
Janitor: Ha ha. First dates, huh? Somebody give me 700 bucks.
Todd: I went out with this girl. She was like the worst first date ever. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and for some reason, I decide to take it out-
Carla: Okay. Your turn is done.