Carla: The worst first date I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right?
Turk: You know what? Really don't wanna hear about this one.
[Turk leaves Carla's group and goes over to Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: And she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. You believe that?
[Turk circles between the two groups]
Carla: It had anchovies.
Dr. Cox: And pineapples.
Carla: And pineapples?
Dr. Cox: And red peppers.
Carla: And green peppers.
Turk: [sigh of relief]
Carla: Wait. Red peppers.
Turk: No!

J.D.: [v.o.] I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice, and I could feel how little I cared because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.
Kylie: You know something? Seeing you in your element today, you seem so...
J.D.: [v.o.] Here it comes... sexy.
Kylie: Genuine.
J.D.: [v.o.] She would have said sexy if I had a mustache.
Kylie: You know, James lied all the time, and I don't know... It's just nice to be with a guy I can trust.
J.D.: Cool.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.

Turk: You dated the devil.
Carla: Turk.
Turk: And you lied to me.
Carla: No, uh-uh. No. You never asked me if I dated Dr. Cox. You can ask me anything, I would never lie to you.
Turk: Do you sometimes wish I had hair?
Carla: Yes.
Turk: This is a nightmare. I'm standing here living in a nightmare.

Carla: Okay, maybe I'm guilty of a lie of omission.
Turk: 'cause you're a lie omitter!
Carla: I know this may be asking too much, but could you please try and keep it together until we can get home and talk about it?
Turk: Fine.
Carla: Thank you.
Lonnie: Carla, I like your hair that way.
[Turk headbutts Lonnie]

Kylie: Ugh, that's exactly the kind of girl my ex-boyfriend would have dated.
J.D.: I barely know her.
J.D.: [v.o.] And the lies begin again.
J.D.: I certainly would never sleep with her.
J.D.: [v.o.] That's it. You're stronger than this. Not another lie.
J.D.: I race motorcycles.

J.D.: What the hell are you doing?
Steve: I need more cash.
J.D.: For what?
Steve: I'm puttin' DSL in my box.
J.D.: Fine! But know this, you've been nothing but a disappointment to me since the moment I ran over you.

Elliot: Look, J.D., I know why you're lying about everything. You don't think you're good enough for Kylie. You've always had this insecure thing even though you're this funny, weird, amazing guy. I mean that's why I fell in love with you, and I'm betting if you just act like yourself, Kylie will, too.
J.D.: Thanks, Elliot. Really. But that's a load of crap, because nobody is themselves when they start dating. Dating is just acting like you're somebody you're not until the person likes you enough so you can show them who you really are.
Elliot: No, it's not.
J.D.: What do you call that bra you wore for your date last week?
Elliot: Oh, the miracle lift super push-up bra. But not everyone's as insecure as me.

J.D.: As soon as I get out of here, I'm gonna treat Kylie better than anyone ever has. I just gotta make it through tonight, okay? Keep an eye on the bum's vitals. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino.

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso made me realize that lies come back to haunt you. Even little ones about cake. Heck, even a lie of omission shook the foundation of a couple that was much more established than Kylie and me. And I knew I couldn't let her go out that door.
Kylie: Let's go.
J.D.: Kylie, wait. I paid Steve 50 bucks and an IOU for another 120 to fake a heart attack. I just, I really wanted tonight to go well.
Kylie: Is there anything else?
Danni: Adios, assface.
J.D.: I had sex with her. A lot.
Kylie: Why are you telling me this?
J.D.: If I don't come clean now, whether it's a few weeks or months or years from now, I know it's gonna come back to haunt me and ruin us, and I don't want that.
Kylie: I'm not looking for a project.
J.D.: Yeah. I understand.
Kylie: So get it together. Now let's go get some coffee.