Carla: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
Doug: Oh, I'm still a resident. Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital!
Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug.
Doug: Oh, I'm staying positive.

Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together the two of you make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.
J.D.: Wait, so, if we're both gonna be chief residents, why didn't you just say that from the beginning?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life. Walk with me.

Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: It's 3 o'clock! 3 o'clock's when you announce the new chief resident, so we thought you might want-
Dr. Cox: Barbie, you're chief resident.
J.D.: [high-pitched laugh] Very funny!
Dr. Cox: So not joking.
Elliot: Oh, my God, now I know how Liza Minelli felt! When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, how ya doin'?
J.D.: [v.o.] Keep it together. It's be a man time.
J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!? [throws cards up in the air]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlett? You're chief resident, too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?

Dr. Kelso: So what do you think, Perry?
Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

Nurse Roberts: Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I killed a man.
J.D.: Unbelievable, Doug.

J.D.: [v.o.] I was a little nervous today. Maybe it was because I had no idea who this guy on the back of my bike was.
Man: See ya tomorrow!
J.D.: Will do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or maybe I was nervous because at 3 o'clock, Dr. Cox was gonna name me the new chief resident. How do I know? Well, for one thing, I'm the only one who applied. But I'm also the only one who's truly focused enough to... Oh God!
[later:]
Turk: So lemme get this straight: You crashed in to their truck and they just drive you to work?
J.D.: Well, we didn't come straight here.
[flashback to J.D. wearing a back brace as he helps a guy lift a couch:]
J.D.: Come on, Dorian. You gotta want it!
[present:]
Turk: Hold up. They made you move furniture?
J.D.: It wasn't all bad.
[flashback to J.D. and the moving men jumping up and down on bubble wrap:]
J.D.: Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap!

Turk: You okay, buddy?
J.D.: [v.o.] I just needed to talk to someone.
[later, J.D. chats with the moving men:]
Frank: Tough break, J.D. You've dreamed of being chief resident ever since you were a little boy growing up in Troutwood, Ohio.
J.D.: [v.o.] What? How does he know that?
J.D.: Thanks, Frank. [pops bubblewrap]

Dr. Kelso: That young man's father is very important.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. He donated a wing.
Dr. Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast.
J.D.: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, genius, in this metaphor, the hospital is a chicken.
J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that.
J.D.: [v.o.] How could a hospital be a chicken?

Dr. Molly Clock: Anyway, this morning Dr. Kelso told me that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine that I need to start publishing a paper to earn my keep. So I'm gonna do this study about conflict resolution between hospital personnel and I was wondering if I could observe you?
Dr. Cox: Look, "Doctor," us real doctors are here to work, so there's not a whole lot of conflict. Now, my day is already bad enough on account of I gotta tell Mr. Roman that he... That... Oh, my God. Mr. Roman doesn't need to have surgery. I ne-hever get to give good news!
Dr. Molly Clock: Subject elongates words when excited!