J.D.: I know we feel guilty, okay? But it's over. It's not like there's gonna be any ramifications.
Nurse Roberts: You have one day to come up with another gorgeous Irishman.
Todd: One day. What? The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender!

Jordan: What the hell happened to you?
Dr. Cox: I got them to reverse the vasectomy.
Jordan: What an incredibly normal thing to do.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, let me talk for a second. I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel, push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my T.V. screen. And I I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed-off as I am.
Jordan: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome. Still, now I want more. I- I really do. I want to talk about things. Not- Not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don't want to talk about everything. For instance I don't need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours. But things that matter, things that are important to us as a- as a family. And I know- I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But, Jordan, I'm a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice operated-on penis that says "I want to be a couple that communicates more openly."
Jordan: What kind of guy writes love songs?
Dr. Cox: Guys whose mothers make them go to ballet class.
Jordan: Fair enough.

J.D.: [v.o.] Being a great doctor isn't just about medical knowledge, it's also about people skills.
J.D.: Wow, that is the worst broken nose I have ever seen.
Woman: I'm here because I stepped on a nail.
J.D.: Of course.
J.D.: [v.o.] Were you walking on your nose?
J.D.: Unfortunately you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, okay? 'Cause we admit people by severity of condition. [to Nurse Roberts] That was mortifying. [J.D. knocks a coffee cup into the air, pouring down on the woman]
Woman: Agh, my face!
J.D.: You know, with the face burns we could probably admit you now. Laverne?
J.D.: [v.o.] My "me time" hand".

Carla: Oh, and too, you know, Friday night there's a chamber orchestra playing in the courtyard of the museum.
Elliot: Oh, I'd love that.
Carla: You wanna go?
Elliot: Oh my God, I love Pachelbel.
Carla: We can go right after.
J.D.: [v.o.] Carla and Elliot were going through their weekly ritual of making plans they were never going to keep.
Carla: We should have dinner beforehand.
Elliot: Perfect.
J.D.: [v.o.] And since Turk knew these were fake plans, he used the opportunity to score bonus points with his wife. Classic husbanding.
Turk: Hey, baby. You know what? Forget dinner. I'll make you a homemade picnic basket.
Carla: Oh! I married an amazing man.
Turk: You sure did! You know what? I've got an even better idea. Maybe J.D. and I can both come, right? We'll wear sport coats, and you guys, beautiful dresses.
Elliot: Oh my God, I love that idea.
Carla: I love it. I love it. It's awesome. It's awesome!
J.D.: [v.o.] To be perfectly honest, so did I. I never get an opportunity to wear my houndstooth sports coat.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unlike Elliot and Carla, when Turk and I made plans we kept them.
Turk: It's 10 o'clock. You ready?
J.D.: Let's do it.
J.D.: [v.o.] But lately for us, our plans rarely involved leaving the apartment.
[J.D. and Turk swaps seats]
Turk: I wasn't too excited about taking over this spot after you sat in it for twenty minutes, but I gotta tell ya, it's warm in all the right places.
J.D.: Mm-hmm.
Turk: How do you like what I left you over there?
J.D.: Oh, man, your ass indentation is so deep, it's like I'm sitting in a giant inner tube.
J.D.: [v.o.] As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess some people figure, What's the worst that can happen?
Dr. Cox: Well?
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Oh.
JO:You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? Sweetie?
[later, Dr. Cox disrupts traffic as he runs down the road:]
Dr. Cox: She's not pregnant! It came out blue! It's blue! She's not pregnant! It's blue! It came out blue!

J.D.: [v.o.] I think I'll try to ask Turk something telepathically. Hey, man, you wanna do something tonight?
Turk: Dude, yeah. Let's hang out and watch some TV. We got any beer?
J.D.: I think I used the last of it to make our special party ice.
Carla: Hey, if I accidentally put beer cubes in my orange juice again, there's gonna be trouble. I almost got a D.
U.I. because of you guys.

Elliot: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the chamber orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel, but the onlything I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."

Carla: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
Janitor: Really? 'cause about five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Carla: Why would you do that to me?
Janitor: New thing: I'm bustin' chops.
Elliot: So you just forgot we even had plans?
Carla: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Elliot: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
Janitor: But do you? Do you really? Bustin' chops.

Carla: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Cox: Deep-sea fishing.
Carla: You hate fishing.
Dr. Cox: Went with my buddies.
Carla: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well, we landed a two hundred pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
Janitor: Interesting. 'Cause that's three thousand miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Well, perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Cox: Why!?
Janitor: I'm bustin' chops today. You can ask anybody.
Carla: It's true.
Janitor: See?