J.D.: I wish I could help that bald, sweaty bastard.
Janitor: Maybe you and I could team up.
J.D.: I bet you think I'm going to say no. But let me tell you something about the Dorians. We trust. And we trust hard. It's the reason why every single Dorian has a loyal army of friends. It's also why last weekend I flew to the Ozarks for a spontaneous water ski getaway with Dr. Cox. He was not there. Nor was his lakeside cabin. There had also been talk of a tire swing.

Janitor: Look, Ted, you're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
Ted: I'm not upset.
J.D.: Ted, we found you in a park, throwing rocks at old couples.
Ted: Why should they be happy?!

Janitor: Ted, do you want to get this girl? Give her a present. Better yet, a present that you made. My first date with Lady, I made her a duck I killed. Now, you're thinking wouldn't it have been more romantic to kill it in front of her? And yes, it would have. And it was my plan. But in the car, on the way over, we kind of get into it, you know. Maybe I was in a bad mood, maybe he was, I don't know. But one thing led to another, and then we're off on the side of the road, shirtless and seeing what's what. Next thing I knew...
Ted: I'm really not comfortable murdering for her.

Ted: [vocalizes]
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: Band practice.
J.D.: What band?
Ted: Peons assemble! They have to stay within earshot, it's in the band code.
J.D.: Wow, Ted, it's kind of like you're their leader.
Ted: Peons disperse! Peons assemble! Enough of the horse play!

J.D.: Come on, man. You can get this girl.
Ted: No, no, no, you don't understand. If I even think about a girl that hot, I get the most unbelievable dry mouth.
I mean, just picturing her beautiful eyes and her cute sm- [chokes; takes Janitor's drink, gasps] What is that?
Janitor: It's Jum and tonic. Gin, rum and tonic.
J.D.: Don't get him drunk. He can barely talk as it is.
Janitor: You don't get drunk on Jum. It's a breakfast liqueur.

Ted: Now we need to practice, and I can't have you winded. Now we've only got one shot to convince Dr. Cox to let us sing for the sick kids in pediatrics. One, two.
[Ted's band sing Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper"]
J.D.: Oh boy, good luck with that.
J.D.: [v.o.] As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids with a song about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr. Cox's office. Yep, it was terrifying going up against the new chief.

Carla: J.D., good news, Cox just added two new negative pressure rooms. Great job wearing him down.
J.D.: [v.o.] But still, with Dr. Cox, winning has ramifications.
Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby. Seriously.
J.D.: Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby, but your baby. Come here, Jackie Boy! We're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much.
J.D.: [to Sammy] They can both be so hurtful.

Jordan: You got to pick Jack up from preschool today.
Dr. Cox: Why can't you do it?
Jordan: Hello, I'll be busy taking care of our daughter.
Dr. Cox: Jennifer is with the nanny.
Jordan: Okay, fine. Jack's school gets out at 2:00 and you know I take a nap everyday from 11:30 to 3:00.

Dr. Kelso: Got your latte, champ.
Dr. Cox: Well now, thank you. Boy, oh, boy, you're really digging the heck out of this whole secret friendship thing, aren't you?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it has all the thrill of an affair, without all that exhausting sex.
Dr. Cox: Do you realize that I have to do rounds, see patients, pick up my son Jack, and somehow put a dent in all this bureaucratic ridiculousness?
Dr. Kelso: You're the Chief of Medicine, you can't keep doing all the things you used to do. You have to let something go. Just don't drop the ball with your son. That's what I did with Harrison. He and his new life partner, Caleb, have just opened a boutique on Fire Island called "Everything Mesh". You like mesh, Perry?
Dr. Cox: No, Bob, I don't.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I didn't either at first. But the boxers really breathe.

J.D.: Look, I know you and Craig have a history, but I'm sure you're swamped. I don't mind taking this one.
Dr. Cox: No no, Craig was my patient before, so he'll be my patient now. Plus, if you don't treat him, then he gets to get home not smelling like cocoa butter.
J.D.: Mock away, but do you think it's an accident that I have the complexion of a 12-year-old Greek boy?
Dr. Cox: Don't get me wrong, I still want you to be a big part of Craig's treatment team. Say hum, Craig? Is there anything you want Dr. Puberty Beard to go get for you?
Craig: A root beer, please.
Dr. Cox: Nice to have you on board.