Turk: How are things going with Kylie?
J.D.: OK. Is there some special way to get a black girl to like you?
Turk: Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big, you say, "Hell, yeah."

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I've thought about it, and I am not going to just wait for Mr. Cheng to die.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me.
Elliot: We should do an exchange transfusion.
Dr. Cox: [imitates sports commentator] The southpaw with the blonde bangs and big britches comes out swinging!
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is 72 and in multi-system organ dysfunction. It's done. It's parasites one, person zero. And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.
Dr. Cox: Oh, tremendous body blow.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and for the record, we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Ding, ding, ding, ding. And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Dr. Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.

Dr. Cox: There is no chance I am missing this game. No chance, no how. What the- Say, Bob, what the hell happened in your office?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, every year, the med students get me with a practical joke. They messed with the speed control on my treadmill. What I can't figure is how they got into my office.
[flashback:]
Ted: Here's the key to Kelso's office.
Dr. Cox: And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: I don't have any idea how they might've gotten in here, Bob. But I can tell you this, if you think I'm missing the biggest game of the year-
Dr. Kelso: I hate to interrupt you, but I'm still woozy from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart, so why don't you just go work your shift and use my VCR to tape the game?
Dr. Cox: When did you get this?
Dr. Kelso: Right about the time we couldn't afford that MRI machine.
Dr. Cox: Of course you did.

Dr. Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game, and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made made it through a shift without saying, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes." Be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!

Janitor: I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.
Dr. Cox: Really?
Janitor: No, you idiot. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game. Maybe knock your head against the glass.
Dr. Cox: Look, I was way out of line telling you how that movie ended, but, God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life, so you tell me what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?
Janitor: I would like to perform open heart surgery.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe underwater?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: I would like a shark that read minds.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: You and I trade lives for a year.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?
Dr. Cox: Done.
Janitor: Done.
[The Janitor walks over to the window and looks outside, where a large group of hospital staff have arranged themselves to spell out "98-97"]
Janitor: Hey, guys, it's off.
[He looks again and they have rearranged themselves to read "Why"]
Janitor: Wow! You guys are organised.

Kylie: I should've brought my laptop. I could've gotten so much work done.
J.D.: You can bartend on-line?
Kylie: I just work at the bar to pay for grad school. I'm getting my master's in political science.
J.D.: I love politics! Ask me anything.
J.D.: [v.o.] What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics! You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.
Kylie: Did you know only 17% of people under the age of 25 voted last year?
J.D.: You can vote if you're under 25? [Kylie laughs]

[As Dr. Cox finally watches the tape of the game:]
Announcer: [on tape] It's finally here the long-awaited showdown between Shaq and Kobe.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes the bad guy is the man you've been battling for as long as you can remember.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Perry! 98-97 Lakers. Kobe dunked over Shaq for the game winner. Don't ever mess with my treadmill.
Janitor: [vibrating] Is this homemade gravy?

Turk: Dude, I can't believe it. You're gonna date a patient. I hope she has something that keeps her here so you get to know her.
J.D.: I gotta thank you for taking a special interest.
Carla: Don't give him too much credit. He's just excited because he wishes he dated more sexy black women when he was single.
Todd: Well, at least he married one.
Carla: Todd, I'm not black.
Todd: Right. And I'm not straight.

J.D.: Do you ever get that special fluttery feeling in your heart when you feel like a woman's about to change your life?
Kylie: Hey, J.D! This is my boyfriend James. Thanks again for seeing him.
Turk: How's your heart?
J.D.: The fluttering has stopped.

J.D.: It's funny. I thought you said you were the one who needed a doctor.
Kylie: No. I told you it was James.
J.D.: Oh. How could I not have heard that?
Kylie: Remember, I said-
J.D.: [v.o.] My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so b- You're doing it again!
Kylie: So I'll see you in there.
J.D.: OK. In there I'll see you.