J.D.: [v.o.] Still, Turk and Carla's main problem with Neena is that she's a malpractice attorney who's suing Turk. Needless to say, I was doing everything I could not to rub the relationship in Turk's face. [Neena enters] I could probably do more.
Neena: Morning. [Turk and Carla groan] I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
Turk: Bye.
J.D.: FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really?
J.D.: Yeah.
Carla: Then this won't hurt. [spanks J.D.]
J.D.: Nope.
Turk: Hit him again baby. [Carla spanks J.D. again]
J.D.: [whimpering] Why?

J.D.: [v.o.] After spreading half a tube of what I thought was burn ointment on my butt, it was off to work.
Elliot: [sniffs] What smells like Vagisil?
J.D.: Nothing.

Carla: J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occasionally have nightmares of you running away together.
J.D.: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.

Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel, just like you told me last night, or I will do it for you. [sobbing] Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?
Turk: I want you to stop seeing her.
J.D.: Fine. But I'm only ending it because friends come first.
Carla: Plus, you already had sex with her.
J.D.: Four a half times. Later.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Elliot: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy.
Elliot: [huffs, walks away]
Dr. Cox: Thank you.

Turk: Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're going to have to take a step down lifestyle-wise.
Carla: I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?

J.D.: Neena, it's over.
Neena: No it's not. In fact, I find myself oddly turned on by your timid baby horse standing up for the first time style of lovemaking.
J.D.: First of all, thank you. Secondly, I tried to be reasonable. Now, if you want to see my dark side, you're going to see my dark side. A- tickletickletickletickle A-tickletickletickletickletickle...
Neena: Yet another strong moment for you?

J.D.: Okay, fine, why don't you just tell me how this ends?
Neena: You won't break up with me, you will betray your friend.
J.D.: What is this, some kind of lawyer mind trick? It's not gonna happen.
Neena: Sit down.
J.D.: I won't, I'm leaving. [sits down]
Neena: You're going to have sex with me.
J.D.: I'll do nothing of the sort. [takes shirt off]
Neena: And as the ultimate act of betrayal, you will do it on the very same sweat and tear-soaked table where I crushed your friend.
J.D.: Oh, I hate a dirty table.
Neena: You love a dirty table.
J.D.: God help me, I do. I do love a dirty table.

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] You can only keep the truth hidden for so long.
Mr. Summers: Enough is enough. I want to meet this Dr. Reid!
Elliot: No problem! Frick!

J.D.: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her close, Turk!