J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when I realized I would never be strong enough to break Neena's hold over me. I needed help. I needed someone who was even scarier than she was. I needed a real witch.
Jordan: [cackling] Someone must have left this here from Halloween.

Elliot: God, Dr. Cox is going to go off on me. It's going to be worse than the time my brother Barry caught me reading his Playgirl magazines.
Jordan: Don't you mean Playboy?
Elliot: No.
Jordan: So you're saying that your brother's...
Elliot: Yes.
Jordan: Has he actually told your family that-
Elliot: No.
Jordan: But everyone's positive that he's- Do you think he and another guy have ever-
Elliot: No more questions.

Jordan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Elliot: Why are you being nice to me?
Jordan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home. And he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment. Don't go backwards. Own what you did with Mr. Summers. You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.

Mr. Corman: Hey, there's no pie here. Oh my God. Oh, you two are going to kill me.
Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.
Mr. Corman: Oh, I see. This is your Hippocratic Oath? Schoolyard threats? Seriously, is there no pie?
Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.
Mr. Corman: You know what? I don't feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there's something that you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they're forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?
Carla: So what you're saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you've decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?
Mr. Corman: I fear I've said too much.

Dr. Cox: I should have known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.
Elliot: Look, I did what I had to do to treat this guy. And as far as me being scared about you telling him that I'm full of crap... Hey, jerkwad, I'm Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: [o.s.] What?!
Elliot: Oh, and by the way. I had a little chat with your wife. I know I'm in your head. It took me three years to move in and I am not moving out.

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw.

Jordan: You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy. This is my house. You and Mr. Chestless here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liaison into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.

Dr. Cox: Ah, cry me a river. You know what Gandhi's wife made me do this afternoon because I supposedly crushed his spirit?
Turk: What?
[flashback to Dr. Cox on the tennis court with Mr. Corman:]
Mr. Corman: Ever since the surgery I've been serving lefty. It's a little unpredictable, but I'm getting some good heat.
Dr. Cox: Can't wait to see it.
[Dr. Cox is catapulted into the fence as he's struck by Mr. Corman's serve]
Mr. Corman: Hit you on the fly! Fifteen-love!

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know why, but I feel like Turk and Carla are upset with me. Still, I can't be sure, so it's always good to test.
J.D.: May I have a pancake please? [Carla tosses a pancake at J.D.'s face]
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, they're mad.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm pretty sure it's because of my new girlfriend. She's amazing. Don't get me wrong, she's not the warmest person.
[flashback to a restaurant:]
J.D.: You know, the funniest thing happened-
Neena: I'm eating.
J.D.: Sorry. I'm starvin'. Wish I hadn't left my wallet at home. Mmm, bread. [Neena slaps his hand]
J.D.: [v.o.] Also, the sex could be a little impersonal.
[flashback: J.D. is thrown out of her car shirtless and with his pants around his ankles]
J.D.: So that's a no on cuddling?