Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

J.D.: You're probably wondering why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out. I say "try" because, at your Super Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as, like, this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients but because after 20 years of being a doctor when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I got to tell you, man, I mean that's the kind of doctor I want to be.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, Perry? I don't really know why I'm here, but Nurse Espinosa said if I didn't, she'd stop coming over to my house and giving instructions to my pool boy. He speaks perfect English, but doesn't have any front teeth, so I can never look at him without laughing. [chuckles] Anyway, I don't know what she expects me to say to you. I mean, all you do is bust my ass day in and day out. I guess you... you keep me in line on those rare occasions when I lose sight of things. You could say we balance each other out pretty well. [sighing] Perry the hospital needs you. I need you. What the hell are you doing?

J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't really worry about bailing on Dr. Cox. The Stanleys' child was sick and I had just spent the last 20 minutes asking them awkward questions to rule out the possibility of child abuse.
Mrs. Stanley: Who would smother their own child?
J.D.: You'd be surprised. There's something called Munchausen Syndrome, where a parent will intentionally harm their child to get some attention on themselves.
Mrs. Stanley: I've never heard of that. Someone should do a public service announcement about it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Hmm. Someone should.
[fantasy: J.D. hosts an NBC "the more you know" public service announcement:]
J.D.: Had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun, right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.
[reality:]
J.D.: That problem would be gone forever.