J.D.: After what happened, I was in no mood to be messed with.
Janitor: Hey, Food Stamps. Little anonymous donation from a guy who makes a little more scratch than you.
J.D.: You know what? At least what I do matters. OK? You're cleaning the same spot you were this morning. And the smart money says you'll be cleaning it tomorrow. So why don't I just come by then, and you can tell me how what you do day after day makes even the slightest bit of difference in this world?
Janitor: Too mean.

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't care if I hurt his feelings, because I got absolutely crushed tonight. Luckily, Turk and I both knew who was responsible for all this.
Spence: Crockett. Tubbs.

Jordan: When do we eat?
Dr. Cox: Look, Jordan, could you just give me ten seconds to myself here?
Jordan: Mmm... No.
Dr. Cox: You know, you are being very immature and... Oh, my God, is that guy on fire? [runs away]
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I'm so glad you're here.
Dr. Cox: Oh, from one hell to another.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso's been torturing me lately and I really thought I could handle it. I mean, after all, I've come a long way. You know, for instance, I used to be afraid of you, and now I can talk to you about anything. Like how your hair's been looking particularly springy lately. And not like the season, but like the inside of a mattress, you know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: I don't have any clue what you mean.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso's starting to get to me, and I don't think I can take it anymore.
Dr. Cox: Sorry, kid, but I'm kind of dealing with my own stuff right now.
Elliot: Thanks a lot... really.

Turk: Man, why'd you even show up this weekend?
Spence: What are you talking about? I'm the one who introduced Schmitty and Dan. OK, I didn't really introduce them, but I'm the one who accidentally saw them under the foosball table. Oh, Schmitty.
J.D.: Typical Spence. You just blow into town and get us into trouble.
Spence: What? I made you guys go out tonight? Hey, I have a venture capital presentation on Thursday. Ask me if I want to go out drinking Wednesday night.
Both: You wanna go out?
Spence: Sorry. Sorry. I can't, I have a presentation. You see, the truth is, you guys have been complaining about work since the second I got here, just dying for an excuse to blow it off. So maybe you should stop being all mad at me when, really, you're just pissed because you hate your jobs.

J.D.: [v.o.] I didn't get a lot of sleep thinking about what Spence had said.
Janitor: [whimpers]
J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday. OK? I mean, come on, look at this floor. You could practically eat off of it.
Janitor: Would you?
J.D.: Would I what?
Janitor: Would you eat off the floor? [drops food]
J.D.: [v.o.] As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something. The reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people.
Janitor: That was disgusting.

J.D.: [v.o.] And you have to have that desire, because at the end of your second year, it's impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So it becomes about perseverance. And fortitude. And sacrifice.

J.D.: [v.o.] Really, all you can hope for is an occasional thank-you.
J.D.: I'm so glad the medication worked on your foot.
Mr. Groff: So I'm supposed to be happy 'cause somebody finally did something right?
J.D.: [v.o.] You're welcome.
Dr. Cox: Nice call on the anti-seizure medicine, Newbie. You know, I'm actually starting to think you may not be the worst resident that ever lived.
J.D.: How cool was that?
Mr. Groff: Shut up.
J.D.: You shut up. You're an angry man.

J.D.: Sorry I didn't tell you about the "It's your baby" thing. We'll probably talk about that later.
Dr. Cox: No, I wasn't even mad at Jordan.
J.D.: No?
Dr. Cox: No, I was scared. In fact, I was freaking out all day, 'cause I'm quite confident that I'm going to be an absolutely horrible father.
J.D.: You? Come on. You're gonna be a very scary- I mean, great. You're gonna be a great father. Like, last night, you totally kicked our asses 'cause we deserved it. And do you remember that time you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?
Dr. Cox: You mean, like, eight seconds ago?
J.D.: You have no idea how much that meant to me.
Dr. Cox: I said, I think you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. I haven't done the legwork.
J.D.: But Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you. I think you have this fathering thing down.

Spence: Monica Meyer.
Turk: Yes.
Spence: Yeah.
J.D.: You know, guys, I don't think it's really appropriate for us to be rehashing our college sexual conquests with Carla in the other room.
Turk: Leslie Stevens.
J.D.: Yes! On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around. [sings] What a whore!
Carla: Who else? Who else did you bang?