Elliot: Oh, my God! She's got a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
Turk: [gasps] This just isn't fair. Not fair at all. It's ridiculous!

J.D.: Elliot come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like that.
Elliot: Oh, I'm sure you haven't.
Turk: [laughs] See, it's funny because you've never really satisfied a woman!
J.D.: Well, you might want to double-check with your mom!

Jordan: Thanks again for holding the door for me back there.
Dr. Cox: In my defense, I didn't know you were behind me because I didn't hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.

J.D.: How are the new happy parents?
Jordan: Oh, I'm living my dream. Have a great day today. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.

Dr. Cox: Come, Dixie.
J.D.: So, uh, you and Jordan, huh? You wanna talk about it?
Dr. Cox: I do, but not here, because I'll probably just... Oh, I'm crying, it's too late! Here I swore I wouldn't do this. Come on, Perry, get it together. Get it together. Get it to- You stop it! You stop it! You stop it! You stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Huah! Come on, you idiot.

Mr. Randolph: Hey fellas, what's the good word?
Dr. Cox: Uh, Mr. Randolph, your PSA number's gone up quite a bit since your last blood test. Now, this could be from the prostatitis. We won't know for sure until your biopsy results come back later on this afternoon. But I feel pretty certain that we're gonna find something.
[Mr. Randolph's wife calmly bows her head]
Mr. Randolph: Oh for God's sake, Catherine, stop making a scene. [sighs] I'm sorry doctors, but she gets a little emotional.
Dr. Cox: Are you two WASPs?
Mr. Randolph: Episcopalian. Why?

Carla: I can't believe you would veto the French Riviera for our honeymoon because of the nude beaches.
Turk: Baby, the whole point of marriage is that I'm the only one who gets to see your candies and whatnot.

Dr. Cox: The biopsy's back and I'm afraid it's positive for prostate cancer.
Mr. Randolph: Rats! Excuse my language, dear. You know what, Catherine, I can see this conversation being riddled with that kind of talk. Perhaps you should wait out in the hallway.
J.D.: Uh, you know sir, I know that it's cancer, but I'm not really worried.
Mr. Randolph: Excuse me, am I confusing cancer with some other disease?
Dr. Cox: No, you're not. I think what Captain Bedside here is trying to say is that it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet, so it's still quite easily operable.
J.D.: Yes, and there's an opening in surgery tonight, I managed to jam you in. Look, I know this is happening awfully fast, you must have a lot of emotions swirling around, but I want you to know if you have any questions at all, I'm here.
Mr. Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
Dr. Cox: It's okay, tell him.
J.D.: Bravo - Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 mountain.

Dr. Cox: Oh, look at that, message from Jordan.
J.D.: How's it going?
Dr. Cox: Just great. [tosses pager]
J.D.: Dr. Cox, we've known each other for over two years. Let me in, okay? Help me help you. Help me help you. Help me-
Dr. Cox: Stop it.
J.D.: help you.

Carla: Come here. So, here's your surprise: You know we'll be getting married in six months, and I just thought it would be so hot...
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: ...if we didn't have sex again until our wedding night. Can you imagine how great that night will be?
Turk: Oh, so great! Um, how about this, though: How about you stop having sex, but I keep having sex?
Carla: You mean like an affair?
Turk: No, I'll just have sex with you when you're sleeping.
Carla: Turk, how can you not think this idea is so romantic?
Turk: Maybe you got me confused with that little Amish boy you used to date.