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My Dirty Secret

‘My Dirty Secret’

Season 3, Episode 9 -  Aired December 11, 2003

After an awkward experience with a patient, Elliot is forced to confront her discomfort with sexual terms. Fresh out of new ways to torment J.D., the Janitor turns his attention to Turk. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and J.D. treat a very WASPy patient, Mr. Randolph (guest star Barry Bostwick), who has prostate cancer.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, my little Newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? [Turk points the way] Good night, roomies.
J.D.: We gotta get that lock fixed.
Turk: The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one connected to Carla's panties. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith. I thought I was the locksmith, man.


Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Then she cut me off, man, just like that. Full prison lock-down, no one gets in or out.
Dr. Cox: Man, that's tough.
J.D.: If you're not gonna use my bed, can I use it?
Dr. Cox: No you may not. On account of this whole Jordan situation being your fault.
J.D.: You told her that spending the day with the baby isn't really a job and that it's turned her into an inflexible shrew.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, you told me to tell her exactly how I feel, I did just that. Now you'll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.
J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I know this is tough on you what with you being psychotic and all, but, I'm out, okay? It's 3 a. m. and there's nothing in the world that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Now I know there's trepidation when you talk about surgery in the area of the penis-
Mr. Randolph: Whoa! Quick pause on the gutter-talk! Catherine, hallway.
J.D.: Look, I... [Mr. Randolph raises his finger as he waits for Catherine to leave the room]
Mr. Randolph: Go.
J.D.: I know there are possible side-effects, but the incontinence goes away with most patients, and sexual dysfunction can be treated with anything from Viagra to a penis pump.
Mr. Randolph: Penis pump? That sounds awkward.
J.D.: Doesn't have to be.
Mr. Randolph: Wow! It's a giraffe! [claps]
Mr. Randolph: End of discussion! I'm not having the surgery. Although I don't mind that they've shaved me already. Proportionately, everything seems much... grander.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Listen, sir, I brought Dr. Turk here to help you get over your fear of surgery.
Mr. Randolph: I'm not scared.
J.D.: Then what is it?
Mr. Randolph: I don't know if you've noticed, but Catherine and I don't always communicate that well.
Turk: No, I can't-
J.D.: You're joshing!
Mr. Randolph: No, it's true. But when I lay that beautiful woman down onto our bed to make love...
Turk: Wow.
J.D.: Oh, God.
Mr. Randolph: ...the walls come tumbling down. It's the one place that I can tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is, and how I would be lost without her. Now I know I will probably have to have this surgery eventually, but until then I am not going to risk losing the one thing that keeps me close to her. Not until I absolutely have to. Yes, dear, you can come in.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing is, even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.
Elliot: You have a penis. And I have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.

Quote from Carla

J.D.: [v.o.] But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort. And realize that sex can actually be a comfort.
Turk: Hey, baby. I was just with a patient who made me understand what romance really means. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you a hundred percent.
Carla: Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults. I wanna have sex. Now.
Turk: I'll get the condoms.

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