Dr. Cox: Oh, my little Newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? [Turk points the way] Good night, roomies.
J.D.: We gotta get that lock fixed.
Turk: The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one connected to Carla's panties. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith. I thought I was the locksmith, man.

Turk: Then she cut me off, man, just like that. Full prison lock-down, no one gets in or out.
Dr. Cox: Man, that's tough.
J.D.: If you're not gonna use my bed, can I use it?
Dr. Cox: No you may not. On account of this whole Jordan situation being your fault.
J.D.: You told her that spending the day with the baby isn't really a job and that it's turned her into an inflexible shrew.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, you told me to tell her exactly how I feel, I did just that. Now you'll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.
J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I know this is tough on you what with you being psychotic and all, but, I'm out, okay? It's 3 a. m. and there's nothing in the world that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.

J.D.: Now I know there's trepidation when you talk about surgery in the area of the penis-
Mr. Randolph: Whoa! Quick pause on the gutter-talk! Catherine, hallway.
J.D.: Look, I... [Mr. Randolph raises his finger as he waits for Catherine to leave the room]
Mr. Randolph: Go.
J.D.: I know there are possible side-effects, but the incontinence goes away with most patients, and sexual dysfunction can be treated with anything from Viagra to a penis pump.
Mr. Randolph: Penis pump? That sounds awkward.
J.D.: Doesn't have to be.
[fantasy:]
Mr. Randolph: Wow! It's a giraffe! [claps]
[reality:]
Mr. Randolph: End of discussion! I'm not having the surgery. Although I don't mind that they've shaved me already. Proportionately, everything seems much... grander.

J.D.: Listen, sir, I brought Dr. Turk here to help you get over your fear of surgery.
Mr. Randolph: I'm not scared.
J.D.: Then what is it?
Mr. Randolph: I don't know if you've noticed, but Catherine and I don't always communicate that well.
Turk: No, I can't-
J.D.: You're joshing!
Mr. Randolph: No, it's true. But when I lay that beautiful woman down onto our bed to make love...
Turk: Wow.
J.D.: Oh, God.
Mr. Randolph: ...the walls come tumbling down. It's the one place that I can tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is, and how I would be lost without her. Now I know I will probably have to have this surgery eventually, but until then I am not going to risk losing the one thing that keeps me close to her. Not until I absolutely have to. Yes, dear, you can come in.

J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing is, even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.
Elliot: You have a penis. And I have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.

J.D.: [v.o.] But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort. And realize that sex can actually be a comfort.
Turk: Hey, baby. I was just with a patient who made me understand what romance really means. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you a hundred percent.
Carla: Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults. I wanna have sex. Now.
Turk: I'll get the condoms.