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My Dirty Secret

‘My Dirty Secret’

Season 3, Episode 9 -  Aired December 11, 2003

After an awkward experience with a patient, Elliot is forced to confront her discomfort with sexual terms. Fresh out of new ways to torment J.D., the Janitor turns his attention to Turk. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and J.D. treat a very WASPy patient, Mr. Randolph (guest star Barry Bostwick), who has prostate cancer.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Mornings in a hospital are filled with possibilities. You could encounter a disease you've never seen before. Make a life-saving diagnosis. Or try out the best new nickname ever.
J.D.: Good morning, Black Whale.
Turk: No.
J.D.: No to "black" or no to "whale"?
Turk: Just no.


Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey, idiot. [laughs] I said "idiot" and you looked.
J.D.: I looked because you did the "Hey, idiot" thing to me, like, six months ago.
Janitor: Did you look then?
J.D.: Yeah.
Janitor: Heh.
J.D.: You know what? I think you're out of ways to bother me.
Janitor: No, you're wrong.
J.D.: Think of a way to annoy me right now. [the Janitor is stumped] That's what I thought.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Thanks for the SeaWorld tickets, Sean.
Sean: So you got family in town or something?
Nurse Roberts: Hell, no. I'm going to sell these.
Sean: Oh, okay.

Quote from J.D.

Sean: Well, it wasn't even a dolphin that bit me.
Carla: What was it?
Sean: Black whale.
Turk: You rang?
J.D.: Yes, I knew you'd end up liking it!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You're stupid.
J.D.: See, now you're just embarrassing yourself. Pick someone else to annoy.
Janitor: I don't pick 'em. They pick me!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, loose debris can get sucked up into the air conditioning vents. And when that happens, I have to spend the entire day crawling around inside the wall, and I don't like that. You know why? 'Cause there's not enough air. I've hallucinated. I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid. So here's the thing: you don't throw around loose trash, and I won't have to waste an entire workday granting the wishes of imaginary fisherman. 'kay?
Turk: Dude, I'm not scared of you. Life's too good. [whispers] I'm untouchable.
Janitor: That's what I hoped you'd say.

Quote from Doug

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, how about you start us off by describing the medical condition of your patient Mr.
Eronson here.
Doug: He's got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.
Dr. Kelso: Wrong. He's dead. Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?

Quote from Doug

Doug: Hey, Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
Dr. Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.
Doug: Darn it!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Greenberg needs 2.4 milliunits of penicillin IM.
Carla: Why, does he have a spinkle in his gherkin?
Elliot: Carla, you're right, okay? That stuff makes me uncomfortable. And there was a time when that would've sent me into a shame spiral, but now I'm just gonna get over it at my own pace. And until then, I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me, but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Carla: People can make fun of me.
Elliot: Come on! What about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Mr. Randolph.
Mr. Randolph: What's he doing here? You know I don't like these people. Surgeons. Not African-Americans.
Turk: Oh! We're actually saying "black" now, sir.
Mr. Randolph: I was right, Catherine!

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