‘My Chopped Liver’
Season 5, Episode 17 - Aired April 4, 2006
When J.D. and Turk treat a patient whose brother donated part of his liver, it's the donor brother who gets worse. After the death of his dog Baxter, Dr. Kelso asks Carla to keep people at the hospital from seeing him in an emotional state. Jordan invites Elliot and Keith to join her and Dr. Cox on a double date.
Quote from Carla
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I need your help with something. My dog, Baxter, passed away last night. I've dealt with it emotionally, but unfortunately I can't stop crying. Anyway, I need you to run interference for me. Keep people from seeing me vulnerable and so forth.
Carla: So you think I'll automatically do this? You think my ego is so big that I'll be flattered that I'm the only one you can open up to? I'll do it.
Quote from Carla
Elliot: Hey, I just need to talk to Kelso.
Carla: You can't come in.
Elliot: Why?
Dr. Kelso: Um, I have no pants on.
Carla: He spilled coffee on them. I wish I didn't have to see those pale legs.
Elliot: Ask him if we can get a new label maker in the pharmacy. The P is broken and nobody knows what "enicillin" is.
Quote from Carla
Carla: Sir, she just wants-
Dr. Kelso: Just tell her no.
Carla: But, sir-
Dr. Kelso: If it makes you feel better, you can pretend you're fighting for her. Yell, "Hear me out, Bob."
Carla: Hear me out, you old jackass.
Dr. Kelso: No ad-libbing. Now send her packing.
Carla: He said yes.
Elliot: Coolio!
Quote from J.D.
Turk: I can't believe people hang out at bowling alleys now.
J.D.: It's great. You surround yourself with new friends, you say one clever thing, and you're in. Watch this. You guys, let's tally it up. Gather around. Whoa, Carol! 180! Amazing. Lisa, you had a 125. Turk, 192.
Turk: That's how we do.
J.D.: And I bowled a gentleman's 40. Now, who wants to help me off with my shoes? I forgot to wear socks. I'm losing them.
Turk: If you ladies remain in this area, we'll bring back drinks.
J.D.: Nice save.
Quote from Jordan
Elliot: I hate it when Keith wears that shirt. We get it. You like sports.
Jordan: Sweetie, you have to dress your man. For God's sake, Perry walked out of the house tonight in a hockey jersey.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Keith: Dr. Cox, when you first-
[Dr. Cox hears waves breaking, seagulls cawing]
Jordan: Hey, you. Make an effort.
Dr. Cox: Ah. You may tell me who your favorite sports team is. Keep it short.
Keith: Detroit Red Wings.
Dr. Cox: Oh. [Dr. Cox lifts up his shirt to reveal a Red Wings jersey] For the next 20 minutes, you will sit in silence while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise in the history of sports. On September 25, 1926...
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Look at you, man! Your color's back. There's no sign of infection.
Frank: I feel great.
J.D.: You look great, man.
Frank: I'm glad. Thanks.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, things weren't going as well for Marc.
Nurse Roberts: He's hypotensive and tachycardic.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes, that's the way life works. The person who does the nice thing is the one who suffers most.
Quote from Dr. Cox
[As Dr. Cox enters the hospital, the interns are all wearing Red Wings jerseys]
Intern: Hey, Dr. Cox, we're going for coffee. Want to come?
Dr. Cox: [stammering] Get the hell away from me. [they laugh] Why are you all smiling?
Intern: Keith said you'd be mean, but then you'd tell us sports stories.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God!
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: So we're going out Thursday, right? I got a Magic Eight Ball bowling ball. Check it. Are the ladies gonna love this? "Ask again later"? I'm just kidding. It says yes.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: OK, that's it! This right here is the "get hit" line. Cross it at your own risk.
Intern: When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old.
Dr. Cox: Never, Leslie.
Intern: He knows my name!
Dr. Cox: [whistles] I was just calling you by a random girl's name. Listen, please. I don't care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you.
Gloria: But my boyfriend is bi-curious and he wants me to pick his lovers.
Dr. Cox: I might have an answer for that. Ew!