Lady: Hey, you coming up to the third floor today?
Janitor: No, I am not cleaning the third floor this month. I'm sending a message: You steal a man's sandwich off his cart, you stew in your own filth.
Lady: Sweetie, I took that sandwich.
Janitor: Well, I can't change my mind now. I'll look like a flip-flopper.

Turk: Nice pull, Denise. That kid is so fine, he's actually made a couple of guest appearances up in here.
Elliot: Me, too. I've got this one scenario, where he and I are walking down a dark alley, and J.D. is a mugger who jumps out with a knife. Derek used to be the mugger, but then I thought that was a little racially insensitive. Anyway, there's a scuffle. I wind up with the knife. So at first, I force them both to pleasure me. But then it takes a left turn and I go on a killing spree. Eh, I know it's a little weird, but we all have our little tricks to help us climax, right?
Carla: Elliot Reid, two years therapy-free!
Elliot: I don't need it anymore.

Denise: I don't know why I keep jumping into bed with him. My confidence is shot from screwing up that spinal tap last week, and then yesterday, I misdiagnosed an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe I wanted to do something I knew I could do right, like banging a dude. I'm a giant ho-bag.
Elliot: No, no, you are not! So, is Derek a good guy?
Denise: Derek? I thought it was "Eric".

Lady: Listen, my sister Amy's son is having a tough time at school, and since his dad is out of the picture, I thought maybe you could sit down and talk to him.
Janitor: Amy, who gave us a doily for our wedding, wants me to save her boy?
Lady: Please?
Janitor: That seems fair.
[later:]
Janitor: So, Ian.
Ethan: It's Ethan.
Janitor: Whatever. Your mom says you're having a rough time in school?
Ethan: Liam stole my backpack. I wanna hit him.
Janitor: No, no, we don't hit. Never. You hit somebody, and the anger's gone, and it's all over. No, the goal should be to keep that anger inside you, growing, like an anger baby. You've got to get inside Liam's head, right? You've got to find out Liam's weaknesses. Like, uh, is he afraid of the dark? Does he have any food allergies? How's he do if he's left out on open water? Does he have a pet? Could that pet be convinced to betray him? Would you be willing to get plastic surgery to further your goals? Would you change the location of your eyes to here? That's the level of commitment I'm looking for. Or maybe I'm just wasting my time.
Ethan: Are you on drugs?
Janitor: Are you?

J.D.: [v.o.] As I scanned across their faces, it felt amazing to see how everyone truly felt about me. [Dr. Cox is smiling]
Elliot: Why are you stretching?
Dr. Cox: Because, Barbie, I'm just so very happy, that I'm gonna try something I haven't done since high school. Backflip! [crashes onto the floor] Did I stick it, you guys?
J.D.: No, you did not.
Dr. Cox: It was worth it.

Carla: I'm just saying, the only time you two haven't been together was our honeymoon. [off J.D.'s look] What?
J.D.: It's time. Yes.
Turk: Fine. Honey, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion. Am I supposed to let him get ashy?
Turk: We only hung out together when you were sleeping or when I said I was going to get a massage.
J.D.: Well, sometimes you were. [Carla leaves, Turk follows] Smell you later!
Turk: [returns] I know. You know, some people don't think so?

Dr. Kelso: Well, it's good to be near your son. I still toy with the idea of moving up to Seattle to be closer to Harrison's bordello. Harrison has dropped all pretense. He's a man-whore now.
J.D.: Oh, there's good money in that, especially if you do the naughty stuff.

Jordan: Hey, weirdo!
Janitor: Yes?
Jordan: You must be excited that your little nemesis is going.
Janitor: No, I'm not. I finally have my life in order. I've got my wife, I've got my Brain Trust, and I finally tricked Johan in the gift shop into accepting my new fake currency. Then Dorian comes along and upsets the status quo. I will bet you five bendels that other people follow suit. Change begets change begets change.

Jordan: Hey, sweat stain! How's it goin' with your girlfriend, now that you guys are roomies?
Ted: Oh, we're having sex, like, all the time. [all groan] Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
Dr. Kelso: You try it!
Ted: Oh, God!
Dr. Kelso: Not a pretty sight, is it?

Turk: I'm the new Chief of Surgery, you know, and you're Dr. Cox's number two guy. I thought eventually we'd be running this place together.
J.D.: How cool would that be?
[fantasy: two nurses open the reception door as smartly-dressed J.D. and Turk eat dessert:]
Carla: I love how you two have kept everything in the hospital the same, you know, except for the free pudding.
Turk: [slaps bowl out of Carla's hand] Sorry baby, but the free pudding's for us.
J.D.: Turk, you made a mess. Let him out!
[The Janitor emerges from a cage]
J.D.: Janitor: Janitor eat? Janitor clean. Janitor only clean.
Janitor: [about a nurse] Eat?
Both: No!
Janitor: Clean?
Both: No!
[reality:]
J.D.: Pretty awesome.