Lady: Listen, my sister Amy's son is having a tough time at school, and since his dad is out of the picture, I thought maybe you could sit down and talk to him.
Janitor: Amy, who gave us a doily for our wedding, wants me to save her boy?
Lady: Please?
Janitor: That seems fair.
[later:]
Janitor: So, Ian.
Ethan: It's Ethan.
Janitor: Whatever. Your mom says you're having a rough time in school?
Ethan: Liam stole my backpack. I wanna hit him.
Janitor: No, no, we don't hit. Never. You hit somebody, and the anger's gone, and it's all over. No, the goal should be to keep that anger inside you, growing, like an anger baby. You've got to get inside Liam's head, right? You've got to find out Liam's weaknesses. Like, uh, is he afraid of the dark? Does he have any food allergies? How's he do if he's left out on open water? Does he have a pet? Could that pet be convinced to betray him? Would you be willing to get plastic surgery to further your goals? Would you change the location of your eyes to here? That's the level of commitment I'm looking for. Or maybe I'm just wasting my time.
Ethan: Are you on drugs?
Janitor: Are you?

Denise: I don't know why I keep jumping into bed with him. My confidence is shot from screwing up that spinal tap last week, and then yesterday, I misdiagnosed an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe I wanted to do something I knew I could do right, like banging a dude. I'm a giant ho-bag.
Elliot: No, no, you are not! So, is Derek a good guy?
Denise: Derek? I thought it was "Eric".

Turk: Nice pull, Denise. That kid is so fine, he's actually made a couple of guest appearances up in here.
Elliot: Me, too. I've got this one scenario, where he and I are walking down a dark alley, and J.D. is a mugger who jumps out with a knife. Derek used to be the mugger, but then I thought that was a little racially insensitive. Anyway, there's a scuffle. I wind up with the knife. So at first, I force them both to pleasure me. But then it takes a left turn and I go on a killing spree. Eh, I know it's a little weird, but we all have our little tricks to help us climax, right?
Carla: Elliot Reid, two years therapy-free!
Elliot: I don't need it anymore.