Dr. Kelso: Now look, security said your van hasn't left the premises. so I demand to know where all the trash is going.
Janitor: Away.
Dr. Kelso: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the grocer when it was my turn to bring the deli spread to Hank Weinberg's poker night, "this better be kosher." Otherwise, it's not just Ted who's gonna pay for it.

J.D.: [v.o.] Found him. Brace yourself, mister. You're about to get an earful! J.D. style.
J.D.: Hey, buddy.
Dr. Casey: Hey, hey. Uh, give-give me a minute, will you?
J.D.: No, Kevin, I have to talk to you right now.
Dr. Casey: Dammit!
J.D.: Later's cool too.
Dr. Casey: I'm sorry. I just, I- Look, I spent the last few days meeting new people and trying to get used to this place, and I'm stressed and I'm fried and I just want to go home. But here's the punchline: even though my last surgery was two hours ago, I can't stop washing my damn hands. Aaaargh!
J.D.: I'm sorry.
Dr. Casey: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look this is a weak moment. Nobody's supposed to see this. And, uh, mark my words, I'll clean up the soap. Probably several thousand times. Everyone's got their own burdens, J.D. And I'm not gonna be one of those people that dumps mine on somebody else. Now what do you need?
J.D.: Nothing.

J.D.: [v.o.] None of us needed anything. I think owning your burdens is half the battle. Turk knows that he'll eventually have to decide what his priorities really are.
Carla: Baby. Come to bed.
J.D.: [v.o.] And Dr. Cox knows he has to find something else to hang his hat on.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, are going to be the best baseball player in the world. Which will make me the best baseball player in the world's father. [mimics cheering] Can't you hear it, Jack? Can't you hear it?
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's not that daunting if you look around and see what other people have to deal with.
J.D.: Goodnight, Dr. Casey.
Dr. Casey: Night, J.D.

Ted: If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building.
Janitor: I'm not cleaning you up.
Randall: Arm. [he and the Janitor walk away]
Ted: Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!
Nurse Roberts: Shut up, bozo.
Ted: One more person. She didn't know the rules

J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.
Woman: You look like you could use some help.
J.D.: Nope
J.D.: [v.o.] Even random people.
Man: You need help, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No thanks, Dr. whatever your name is...
J.D.: [v.o.] They won't leave me alone.
Dr. Mickhead: Free help, here.
J.D.: Piss off, Mickhead.
J.D.: [v.o.] You'd think by now they'd know where I'm gonna end up.

J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem, best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know it's... new wax
Nurse Roberts: What is?
J.D.: It's okay to want a piece.

J.D.: [v.o.] I was excited for Turk. And, God bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!
Turk: New wax did that?
J.D.: I couldn't believe it either!
Carla: New wax did that?
Elliot: I couldn't believe it either!
Carla: Oh. Yeah, sorry about the girl talk.
J.D.: Oh, that's fine. We were talking man talk you know....
Turk: Really big trucks.
J.D.: Solo-Flex. Have you seen these lately?
Carla: Your hair smells like Elliot's.
J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas!

Carla: Is that racist?
Elliot: That depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Carla: Maybe.

Dr. Casey: Whose hair smells like lilacs?
Carla: Hers. And his.
J.D.: Huh?
Dr. Casey: That's very pretty. And deeply disturbing.
J.D.: The jar said unisex.
Turk: I know.
J.D.: Unisex.
Turk: I know.
J.D.: Dammit!

Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey. Dr. Kevin Casey. You know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people you just have to bring your own... knifey thingie.
Carla: Scalpel.
Dr. Casey: That's the word! Dr. Kevin Casey.
Carla: Why do you keep saying your name?
Dr. Casey: Oh, it just keeps me from losing my, uh... jinkies later, thinking I forgot something.
Carla: Okay
Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey. Dr. Kevin Casey.